reassurances

Not sure if I know how to accept this...

A poet has written, "the desire to feel loved is the last illusion: let it go and you will be free." Just as the sunrise of faith requires the sunset of our former unbelief, so the dawn of trust requires letting go of our spiritual consolations and tangible reassurances. Trust at the mercy of the response it receives is a bogus trust. All is uncertainty and anxiety. In trembling insecurity the disciple pleads for proofs from the Lord that her affection is returned. If she does not receive them, she is frustrated and starts to suspect that her relationship with Jesus is all over or that it never even existed.


If she does receive consolation, she is reassured, but only for a time. She presses for further proofs - each one less convincing than the one that went before. In the end the need to trust dies of pure frustration. What the disciple has not learned is that tangible reassurances, however valuable they may be, cannot create trust, sustain it, or guarantee any certainty of its presence. Jesus calls us to hand over our autonomous self in unshaken confidence. When the craving for reassurances is stifled, trust happens.

-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

It could be that this constant craving for reassurance and requited love is one cause of my often frustrated faith. However, I cannot agree that the desire to be loved is something that we need to be weened from. People who have conditioned themselves to not seek love perhaps have done so as a defense mechanism because they felt unlovable. I believe that it is one of the basic yearnings of the soul and to be detached from that desire is to be something less than human. Thoughts?

faith and works

For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done.
Matthew 16:27

If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
1 Corinthians 3:14-15

Watch out that you do not lose what you have worked for, but that you may be rewarded fully.
2 John 1:8

If we have been saved by grace, not by works, how can there exist a concept of heavenly rewards according to earthly deeds? Why does scripture repeatedly refer to a rewards system based on what we do on earth? What is so reprehensible about barely escaping through the flames if the ultimate reward in heaven is God Himself? I thought that the worker who is hired at the end of the day is paid the same as the one hired in the morning.

My only concrete understanding of heaven is eternal fellowship with God, where worship exists without corruption nor fatigue nor apathy. And everyone in heaven participates, whether they entered by an inch or a mile. So why a rewards system? Will we stare jealously at our neighbor's house which is gilded with gold from our own which is gilded with silver? I cannot believe that heaven will contain such human fallacies. I believe our attentions will be so captivated by Glory that we will hardly notice ourselves, much less our surroundings.

Faith without deeds is dead, that much is understandable. Could these rewards be a motivator for the less initiated? The idea of a heavenly reward can and does drive many people to labor for God, even if it doesn't make any difference. But I can't believe that God would be so...manipulative. It's not consistent with His personality to create vestigial motivators. If good works do not come out of a desire for God, they are but dirty rags.

How can such a paradox, if not an outright contradiction, exist within scripture which is supposed to be infallible? The only way I can rationalize it is by arguing that life is paradoxical. We are walking contradictions. Shine a red light on a yellow scrap of paper and it will look red. Shine a green light on that same scrap and it will look green. (I think.) Only white light reveals true colors. It is important not to shelve our doubts, but to wrestle over them. God could have called his people whatever He wanted to, but he chose the name "Israel," which means "wrestles with God."

Please share your thoughts. Maybe our different colored flashlights will combine into something resembling white light.

the measure of a man

Is part of the measure of a man in his ability to soldier on indefinitely? To wear a pleasant face when situations are not pleasant? To ignore emotion when emotions beckon?

Is lacking stoicism a sign of weakness?

Answer me or I will have no reaction either way!

back from wyoming

Back from Yellowstone.

San Jose, Milpitas, Pacifica, San Francisco, Fresno, Frazier Park, Jackson. All in the last couple weeks.

Every town has its own flavor. How do people end up living where they do? I guess most do not get to choose, but what if you could? If you could spin a globe and point, where would your finger stop?

Pics coming, here's a preview:

Buffalo Crossing

play the fool

How do I know I'm not fooling myself?

Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
-Genesis 32:28

[Israel means "he struggles with God"]

futures (cont.)

Okay, either no one's interested or no one's reading, but I'll post anyway.

Currently I am heavily invested in campus ministry. So heavily that my devotional (and personal) life hangs by a thread. Even in this stretched state, or maybe because of it, God has shown me the reaches of His grace and used me in inexplicable ways. This environment builds character and perseverance and Trust. I have grown because of it. However, it is difficult for me to enjoy it, save for merciful but short glimpses of heaven.

And as the school year traverses into its final quarter, the road begins its divide yet again...

I feel that God is leading me away from college ministry and giving me a heart for young professionals. A spiritual community has sprouted at my workplace completely by grace and the few post-graduates at White Harvest are fellowship starved, me included. It is my joy to take part in these communities. But God (or Min) has entrusted to me a handful of young men at UCLA as well. These guys are growing and I enjoy serving them as well, though I cannot give them the attention they deserve because of work. I am also unsure, because of my absence, if they are ready to be integrated into the larger ICA body. I need to be faithful to them as best as I am able.

So the question is, do I remain on campus staff next year? Am I willing to be stretched for another year? The more "successful" my ministry, the less time I have for devotionals and, well, laundry and stuff. I am unable to give my best to people on campus, at work, and at church at the same time. I know God would use me regardless as He has this year, but is there a better way?

The other option, discontinuing my staff responsibilities, presents its own problems. I spent a year as a White Harvest attendee, and it was good as I adjusted to working life and took a breather from ministry. But I do not want to return to that. There was a huge lack of peer fellowship and I felt out of place among the other graduates, who were all on staff. Is it possible to grow at White Harvest as a graduate without being fully committed to campus ministry? I hope so, because I don't want to leave.

There is hope yet. The beginnings of a post-grad fellowship are rising from the dust at WHEC, and I am hopeful that God will use it for His glory and for our good. Saturday Society 2.0? God started it and I have no idea where He will take it, but that sounds like everything else that is happening in my life.

There is also the question of my job, Los Angeles, and another issue that is hopelessly complicated. Oh, and music. So many roads but only one direction. Clarity come.

"Cast all your anxieties on Him, for He cares about you."
1 Peter 5:7

futures

"I always could count on futures;
That things will look up and they look up
Why is it so hard to find a balance
Between living decent and the cold and real?"
-Jimmy Eat World

It's crossroads time again. Interested in details?