nothing

Sometimes I just have nothing to say.

the way i see it #76

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
--Anne Morriss
Starbucks customer from New York City. She describes herself as an "organization builder, restless American citizen, optimist."

On my Starbucks cup this morning. Not sure how much I agree, but provocative nonetheless, especially at this juncture. Wisdom's spring has many sources. Mk7:6-7.

don't forget

Don't forget your convictions.

restoration revisited

Bought a new (to me) car last night. Needs a little work, heh, but it's beautiful. It's exactly what I have been looking for, and so much potential. I can see its former glory.

God uses all circumstances ultimately for His glory and for our good. Even this frivolous thing is reminding me of a vision and a purpose that has been obscured by fear and lack of faith. Everything is coming together. Anxiousness is starting to make way for joy. There is hope beyond hope. God is good dude.

"The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings."
Isaiah 58:11-12

futures (cont.)

Okay, either no one's interested or no one's reading, but I'll post anyway.

Currently I am heavily invested in campus ministry. So heavily that my devotional (and personal) life hangs by a thread. Even in this stretched state, or maybe because of it, God has shown me the reaches of His grace and used me in inexplicable ways. This environment builds character and perseverance and Trust. I have grown because of it. However, it is difficult for me to enjoy it, save for merciful but short glimpses of heaven.

And as the school year traverses into its final quarter, the road begins its divide yet again...

I feel that God is leading me away from college ministry and giving me a heart for young professionals. A spiritual community has sprouted at my workplace completely by grace and the few post-graduates at White Harvest are fellowship starved, me included. It is my joy to take part in these communities. But God (or Min) has entrusted to me a handful of young men at UCLA as well. These guys are growing and I enjoy serving them as well, though I cannot give them the attention they deserve because of work. I am also unsure, because of my absence, if they are ready to be integrated into the larger ICA body. I need to be faithful to them as best as I am able.

So the question is, do I remain on campus staff next year? Am I willing to be stretched for another year? The more "successful" my ministry, the less time I have for devotionals and, well, laundry and stuff. I am unable to give my best to people on campus, at work, and at church at the same time. I know God would use me regardless as He has this year, but is there a better way?

The other option, discontinuing my staff responsibilities, presents its own problems. I spent a year as a White Harvest attendee, and it was good as I adjusted to working life and took a breather from ministry. But I do not want to return to that. There was a huge lack of peer fellowship and I felt out of place among the other graduates, who were all on staff. Is it possible to grow at White Harvest as a graduate without being fully committed to campus ministry? I hope so, because I don't want to leave.

There is hope yet. The beginnings of a post-grad fellowship are rising from the dust at WHEC, and I am hopeful that God will use it for His glory and for our good. Saturday Society 2.0? God started it and I have no idea where He will take it, but that sounds like everything else that is happening in my life.

There is also the question of my job, Los Angeles, and another issue that is hopelessly complicated. Oh, and music. So many roads but only one direction. Clarity come.

"Cast all your anxieties on Him, for He cares about you."
1 Peter 5:7

futures

"I always could count on futures;
That things will look up and they look up
Why is it so hard to find a balance
Between living decent and the cold and real?"
-Jimmy Eat World

It's crossroads time again. Interested in details?

disturbing

So I just came across this article on extremely disturbing movies, read at your own risk. Now I consider myself to be adequately desensitized to most things thanks to our friend the internet, but my stomach was churning. The dark corners of man's imagination is pretty scary. And knowing that such violence and depravity and evil are not just imaginary makes me want to jump in front of a bus. I have been seeing the world beyond the rose-tinted walls of a protected Asian-American upbringing, and it scares me. But as much as I want to avert my eyes, something deep within my soul knows that it is these things that necessitated the coming of a Savior. The ugliness that invariably exists within will be brought to the light and cleansed, however painful the process. The world was created perfectly, it is fallen, and it can be redeemed.

kierkegaard

Reading:
The Essential Kierkegaard

"The task must be difficult, for only the difficult inspires the noble hearted."

God. is. real.

more on heaven

I have been longing for heaven lately. Longing to circumvent the obstacles of this life. Longing to see God face to face without this veil of deceitful flesh. Longing to escape the pressure, the expectations, the temptations, and the hurts.

But my longing for heaven might be misguided. It has been reaping a harvest of sorrow in me. It is not necessarily worldly sorrow, but neither is it Godly sorrow that leads to joy.

I think that real hope in heaven should create a selflessly joyful existence. If someone is absolutely convinced that they are destined for eternity with the Creator of the Universe, this life becomes but a breath. There should be no wallowing in self pity or discontent. There cannot exist pride or selfishness in someone who lives completely in God's salvation. Only joy should survive. That doesn't mean that there will be no more trouble, just that the response to it is one of surrender. Circumstances cannot touch the joy of someone who's treasure is truly in eternity.

So what is the difference between a longing for heaven that reaps sorrow and a longing for heaven that reaps joy?

Faith. I lack faith. I don't believe enough in the goodness of God or the reality of heaven. I am still trying to get the most I can out of this life and lamenting over what I cannot. And all this while knowing that the things of this world cannot fully satisfy. "Woe to the lukewarm Christian for neither can he fully enjoy God nor sin."

"My soul languishes for Your salvation,
I wait for Your word.
Revive me according to Your lovingkindness
So that I may keep the testimony of Your mouth."
-Psalm 119:81,88

"I do believe; help my unbelief."
- Mark 9:24

"If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain 'move from here to there' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible to you."
-Matthew 17:20

believe in love

written 03.04.09

Everybody's broken
Everybody's swearing without sound
Looking for the answers
Looking for the easiest way out

Well I ain't got your answers
I don't know what makes the world go round
All we have is reasons
All we are is empty in the end

But there's Love
But there's Love
That's enough
That's enough
With all the weight of the world on you
Push it back or come unglued
There is Love
Believe in Love

We all got our problems
I'm dirtier than you will ever know
It takes one to know one
We're all to scared to let our insides show

But there's Love
But there's Love
That's enough
That's enough
With all the weight of the world on you
Push it back or come unglued
There is Love
Believe in Love

I'm giving up the temporary
I'm letting it go
Happy is a yuppy word
In case you didn't know
I didn't know the world existed
I didn't think it showed
Everybody's brokenhearted
Everybody's broken

kaph

My soul faints with longing for your salvation,
but I have put my hope in your word.

My eyes fail, looking for your promise;
I say, "When will you comfort me?"

Though I am like a wineskin in the smoke,
I do not forget your decrees.

Preserve my life according to your love,
and I will obey the statutes of your mouth.

Ps 119:81-83,88