good friday

God is dead.

That’s how it feels sometimes. On this night some two thousand years ago, God died. Mocked, beaten, killed. As the sun set over that hill in Jerusalem, God’s fragile body hung limp and lifeless against the knurled bark he was bound to. For those who knew him and followed him, who loved him, this was the end. The man they believed was their savior, their king, their only hope, was gone. Everything they knew for the last three years, everything they were so sure of, died on that tree. What could they do now? Where would they go? How could they follow him to heaven if he was dead? Maybe he was misleading them. Maybe he was just wrong, like so many others who claimed to have answers to life’s mysteries. Their sleep must have been fitful that night, if they got to sleep at all.

The morning arrives. No voice booming from above, no caverns of fire opening up from below. Just the regular morning busyness out in the street. Birds chirp, children play, men prepare for the day. The previous day’s events seem like a dream, like they couldn’t have happened. Like they didn’t happen. Except that for the last three years, every morning, the disciples knew there would be a plan for that day. Somewhere to go, something to do, someone to follow. Now there was no one. No direction, no guidance. No purpose. No hope.

The only consolation left to them was each other. No one else could understand the loss they felt. Eleven souls adrift in murky, uncertain seas. Being together was their only, but significant, comfort. Each one encouraged the others to be stronger than they felt themselves. Some cried. They told stories of the last three years. Some were funny and they forced a weak smile. Mostly though, they felt betrayed. He often talked about his death, but none of them imagined it like this. At least, not so soon. With so many promises unfulfilled. With no final instructions.

But the miracles which opened their minds and the words which scorched their hearts flashed in memory. They could all but dismiss what they experienced as genuine and true. But what could they do now? He was the source of it all. They were just observers. Witnesses. They couldn’t continue his work themselves. Unsure of their future and of their faith, the disciples discussed their options. They had to go on. What did they do before all of this started?

People say that the disciples’ return to fishing was a result of their lack of faith. Symbolic of their failure to continue as disciples. Upon experiencing loss, we tend to return to the familiar, seeking some kind of anchor to regain a semblance of bearing. I do not fault them for this. The alternative would have been to give up altogether. I can only imagine the amount of courage and strength it took to even leave the house. They were failures and fools in the eyes of the entire city. Their savior, crucified like a criminal. The combined pain of shame and purposelessness must have been crippling. It is the kind of pain that rends the most vital of men numb and bedridden. But they continued the best that they were able, with torn hearts and clouded minds.

There are periods when all earnest followers of Jesus are introduced to this situation. When God feels distant, silent, or dead. Personal tragedy, bad church experiences, failed relationships, loneliness. The world is filled with circumstances that make us feel like God has forgotten us. We remember how he had set fire to our lives in the past, but that past feels disconnected. Like it belongs to someone else. We feel hopeless and purposeless, like the disciples without Jesus. Unsure of our future and our faith.

How can we continue? We must, because the alternative is not an option. We cannot deny the muffled screams from the part of our souls that knows there is no going back. Our experiences with God, however muted, has changed us forever. We must do our jobs, serve at our churches, and seek out fellow lost souls. We must not stop. There are others who feel abandoned by God, others who are waiting for him to return. As long as there are others, it is possible to go on.

Those three days between Friday and Sunday must have felt like an eternity to the disciples, but it came. They did not know when it would come, or if it would come, but it came. They did their best to pray to a God who had died before their eyes. Those could only have been confused, angry prayers. No more than cries out to the darkness. But it was enough. These eleven broken men were redeemed and their impact continues to be felt two thousand years later.

As we go through stages in our lives between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, we must remember what happened to those who experienced it first. God had to die in order to be raised. He leaves us in order to return to us in the most glorious of ways. At least, I hope so. Until then I guess.

the mountain of fear and the mountain of joy

You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm; to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, because they could not bear what was commanded; "If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned." The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, "I am trembling with fear."

But you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the Judge of all, to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

-Hebrews 12:18-24, TNIV

if we are the body...

Now if the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

1 Corinthians 12:15-31, TNIV


Behold the man upon a cross,
My sin upon his shoulders;
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held him there
Until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life;
I know that it is finished.

psalm 39

"Show me, O LORD, my life's end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting is my life.

You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Each man's life is but a breath.

Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro:
He bustles about, but only in vain;
he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for?
My hope is in you.

Save me from all my transgressions;
do not make me the scorn of fools.

I was silent; I would not open my mouth,
for you are the one who has done this.

Remove your scourge from me;
I am overcome by the blow of your hand.

You rebuke and discipline men for their sin;
you consume their wealth like a moth—
each man is but a breath.

"Hear my prayer, O LORD,
listen to my cry for help;
be not deaf to my weeping.
For I dwell with you as an alien,
a stranger, as all my fathers were.

Look away from me, that I may rejoice again
before I depart and am no more."

David's difficult psalms usually end on a hopeful note, but this one doesn't, as if to say that some days end without answers, even for God's anointed. When faith hinges on answered prayers and blessings received, God is reduced to the means to an end. Sometimes, His people pray in earnest and hope according to the Word but fail miserably. We must be prepared for when God does not act according to our expectations. It is easy for sincere faith to degenerate into demandingness.

I'm planning on visiting Samoshel tonight. PCC serves ice cream and hangs out with the residents once a month. I have no idea what to expect.

melancholy

Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.
Ecclesiastes 7:4-5

May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
Psalm 25:21

extravagant worship

I have been going through Mark for quiet times and came to this passage in Mark 14 about Jesus' anointing at Bethany. It is a demonstration of the kind of worship that God desires from us: Worship that is extravagant. This is right before the Last Supper leading to Jesus’ crucifixion. Jesus knows what he must go through very soon. I imagine his countenance would be pretty somber and serious. Let’s read Mark 14:3-9.

Jesus Anointed at Bethany:

³While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.

⁴Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume? ⁵It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly.

⁶"Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. ⁷The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. ⁸She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. ⁹I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

This passage is found also in the other three gospels. Matthew and Mark do not identify the woman. Luke says it was a “woman who had lived a sinful life” (possibly Mary Magdalene), and John says it is Mary sister of Martha.

In any case, this woman who is familiar with Jesus pours an alabaster jar of nard on Jesus, anointing Him just days before his crucifixion. Nard is a rare and expensive spice from the Himalayas and was very expensive. A typical alabaster jar was thin and not more than 6 or 8 inches high. Someone present says it is worth more than a year’s wages. So this is equivalent to a $40,000 dollar bottle of CK Obsession for Men. It is probably her most treasured possession. But instead of a light spritz, she breaks the whole jar and empties it completely on Jesus.

"Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly.

The practical part of me agrees with that voice in the crowd. There could be much better uses for something so valuable. They could do a lot of good with that money, or at least use the perfume slowly in sane amounts. I’m sure Jesus knew that also, but He rebukes the crowd. He calls it a beautiful act. He accepts this act of worship and here we are reading about it 2000 years later.

"Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me…You will not always have me. She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

We learn to be practical and efficient, and those are useful qualities. This is how we balance our responsibilities and survive as students, as employees and as Christians. We need to be practical and efficient to be good stewards of what God has given us. But guess what? God is not impressed with our practicality, at least not in worship. In a relationship, a girl would never say to her boyfriend, “Boyfriend, I love that you are able to love me so efficiently.” That's not how relationships work.

The same goes for our relationship with Christ. Spending time with God is not about getting the biggest return for our investment. If it were, we shouldn’t be developing a relationship with Him, we should be developing a portfolio. But that’s how we treat it sometimes. If we invest a certain amount of time into prayer and church and discipleship and people, we hope to get a certain amount of return on the investment in the form of blessings or growth.

Except Jesus shows us that worship is not about practicality, it is about EXTRAVAGANCE. In no other situation would it be beautiful to use a $40,000 bottle of perfume like that. And it is not about the amount of money either. The poor widow who gave her only 2 pennies was no less extravagant. It is about the heart and the circumstances behind the act. The kind of worship that pleases God is the kind that turns its back on practicality to say that He is deserving of all glory and every glory. When we give extravagantly we are telling God that He is our real treasure. We are saying that our earthly treasures come from Him anyway and that we value the giver more than the gift.

Practicality is about returns, extravagance does not care. There are two ways to fix a car. One way is to fix it for functionality, to replace what is broken just to get it running. This is the most efficient way. The second way is to restore it, to meticulously make sure that every nut and bolt is shiny, even polishing the underside that no one will ever see. Very few people will be able to appreciate the time and effort that goes into it. But that car becomes more than just transportation, it becomes a treasure to it's owner. So how do we treat our worship? Do we just make sure that it runs or do we make it shine?

Extravagant worship does not neglect our responsibilities; the poor, in this example. It is displaying faith that God doesn’t need us to carry out His will. He wants our focus to be on Him first. Everything else, even our mission and ministry and responsibilities come second to that. Extravagant worship demonstrates trust that God will provide for everything else.

This could mean setting aside our most attentive hour of the day for quiet time, or putting extra time into a banquet skit to make it perfect, or staying up all night to comfort a friend. It is basically going the extra mile when it comes to God. Matthew 5:40-41 says,

If someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.

Go two miles for God, even if you can get away with going just one. The extra mile is the one that really puts a smile on God’s face. The extra mile silences the voices which say that the perfume could have been used for more practical purposes. Not for a return on the investment, but for love and out of genuine worship. Efficiency is not a fruit of the spirit.

I speak as one who has failed at this continuously. I love efficiency. There’s nothing wrong with being efficient or practical, but I know I have missed out on a lot of blessings because of it. Homework and studying took me away from worshiping extravagantly when I was an undergrad. I was always looking for a quick exit from ministry activities so I could study for that midterm or finish that problem set. Looking back now I barely remember any of my classes but I would give anything to be able fellowship with my class again. At work, my desire for a professional image keeps me from extravagant worship. I don’t want to be known as a Jesus freak and I want to be respected by my colleagues. This year as staff, maybe worst of all, I have accepted the adequate completion of tasks as a substitute for extravagant worship. I hope you guys don’t make the same mistakes.

Once again, our relationship with God is not to be reduced to a portfolio, to investment versus return. He has already given us the most extravagant gift of all in Jesus Christ. He is deserving of worship of the same caliber.

[UCLA ICA, 5-21-2009]
..feedback welcome..

the valley of dry bones

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"
I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know."

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' "

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "

-Ezekiel 37:1-14

God breathe life into my dry bones.

turn the corner

The command is simple:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these.
-Mark 23:30-31

We are the ones who complicate things.
We are the ones who give ourselves to methods and rules and limitations and condemnations.
We keep paying interest on a debt that has long been settled.
Less we, for once.
More You.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
-Psalm 42:11

Thanks Amy, that coffee was amazing. Bavarian black cherry right?

the way i see it #76

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."
--Anne Morriss
Starbucks customer from New York City. She describes herself as an "organization builder, restless American citizen, optimist."

On my Starbucks cup this morning. Not sure how much I agree, but provocative nonetheless, especially at this juncture. Wisdom's spring has many sources. Mk7:6-7.

restoration revisited

Bought a new (to me) car last night. Needs a little work, heh, but it's beautiful. It's exactly what I have been looking for, and so much potential. I can see its former glory.

God uses all circumstances ultimately for His glory and for our good. Even this frivolous thing is reminding me of a vision and a purpose that has been obscured by fear and lack of faith. Everything is coming together. Anxiousness is starting to make way for joy. There is hope beyond hope. God is good dude.

"The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings."
Isaiah 58:11-12

more on heaven

I have been longing for heaven lately. Longing to circumvent the obstacles of this life. Longing to see God face to face without this veil of deceitful flesh. Longing to escape the pressure, the expectations, the temptations, and the hurts.

But my longing for heaven might be misguided. It has been reaping a harvest of sorrow in me. It is not necessarily worldly sorrow, but neither is it Godly sorrow that leads to joy.

I think that real hope in heaven should create a selflessly joyful existence. If someone is absolutely convinced that they are destined for eternity with the Creator of the Universe, this life becomes but a breath. There should be no wallowing in self pity or discontent. There cannot exist pride or selfishness in someone who lives completely in God's salvation. Only joy should survive. That doesn't mean that there will be no more trouble, just that the response to it is one of surrender. Circumstances cannot touch the joy of someone who's treasure is truly in eternity.

So what is the difference between a longing for heaven that reaps sorrow and a longing for heaven that reaps joy?

Faith. I lack faith. I don't believe enough in the goodness of God or the reality of heaven. I am still trying to get the most I can out of this life and lamenting over what I cannot. And all this while knowing that the things of this world cannot fully satisfy. "Woe to the lukewarm Christian for neither can he fully enjoy God nor sin."

"My soul languishes for Your salvation,
I wait for Your word.
Revive me according to Your lovingkindness
So that I may keep the testimony of Your mouth."
-Psalm 119:81,88

"I do believe; help my unbelief."
- Mark 9:24

"If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain 'move from here to there' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible to you."
-Matthew 17:20

kaph

My soul faints with longing for your salvation,
but I have put my hope in your word.

My eyes fail, looking for your promise;
I say, "When will you comfort me?"

Though I am like a wineskin in the smoke,
I do not forget your decrees.

Preserve my life according to your love,
and I will obey the statutes of your mouth.

Ps 119:81-83,88

still

"Be still and know that I am God."
Psalm 46:10

When the earth swallows you whole, be still and know that God is who He is and who He was and who He will always be. Cease striving.

day 2

Location: Amarillo, Texas

Quality time...
Gas is SOOO cheap here!
$1.36/gal

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.
-Ps.139

You have a firm grip on me no matter what I do or where I go; LA, Philippines, or Texas. You have protected me from day 1, even when my eyes were turned away. You take from my hands the contraband that I covet and give me exactly what I need when I need it. Continue to tenderize my wandering heart.

departure

Location: Cerritos, CA

We are about to leave home. What will the open road bring? I think hope believe the theme will be humility.

Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. -1 Pet 2:13-14

62

quiet time
Originally uploaded by natelee

1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.

2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4 They fully intend to topple him
from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

9 Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.

10 Do not trust in extortion
or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,

12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.