i forgot how much i like fiction

Both the children were looking up into the Lion's face as he spoke these words. And all at once (they never knew exactly how it happened) the face seemed to be a sea of tossing gold in which they were floating, and such a sweetness and power rolled about them and over them and entered them that they felt they had never really been happy or wise or good, or even alive and awake, before. And the memory of that moment stayed with them always, so that as long as they both lived, if ever they were sad or afraid or angry, the thought of all that golden goodness, and the feeling that it was still there, quite close, just round some corner or just behind some door, would come back and make them sure, deep down inside, that all was well.
-C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew

an africa update

I finally stopped putting off those phone calls and got my retest pushed up. Just dropped off the sample this morning. It is once again out of my hands. Also have a Peace Corps dinner this weekend where the current nominees meet each other and returnees. Not sure what to expect, but a former coworker from UCLA who is going gives high praise.

On another note, I am realizing once again how obsessed I am with managing everything. I feel unsettled when things are not in order. I'll rip things apart if they are just slightly out of alignment. Hence things like this. Must worry less, rejoice more. Less Martha, more Mary.

P.S. - Yums.

P.P.S. - Read this blog. Buy these pretties.

psalm 56

He counts the sorrows of his saints,
Our groans affect his ears;
He keeps a book for my complaints,
A bottle for my tears.
Sons of violence, sons of lies
Devour my life, O Lord
But as my hourly dangers rise,
My refuge is thy Word.

When to thy throne I raise my cry,
The wicked fear and flee
So swift is prayer to reach the sky,
So near is God to me.
O, most holy, just and true,
In thee I place my trust
Nor will I fear what man can do
The offspring of the dust.

Thy solemn vows are on me Lord,
Thou shalt receive my praise;
I sing, "How faithful is thy Word,
How righteous all thy ways!"
Thou hast saved my soul from death,
O set they prisoner free!
That heart and hand, and every breath,
May be employed for thee.

-Isaac Watts, 1719

the stripping away of confidences

I fail.

Sometimes the crunch of sheet metal articulates frustration better than words.

A million things are swirling around my brain, but none of it cohesive enough to express. I try very hard to be perfect. It's quite tiring. Thankful for people who love me as I am. Sorry for the emo.

love or kindness

There is kindness in Love: but Love and kindness are not coterminous, and when kindness is separated from the other elements of Love, it involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it. Kindness consents very readily to the removal of its object - we have all met people whose kindness to animals is constantly leading them to kill animals lest they should suffer. Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering. As Scripture points out, it is bastards who are spoiled: the legitimate sons, who are to carry on the family tradition, are punished.

It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes. If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness. And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt. He has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense.

-C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

none other lamb

None other lamb, none other name
No hope in all the earth or sea
No hiding place from guilt and shame
None but thee.

My faith burns low, my hope burns low
Yet my desire cries out in me
The thunder of its want and woe
Cries to thee.

Lord, thou art life, though I be dead
Love's fire thou art when cold I be
No place have I to lay my head
None but thee.

None other lamb, none other name
None other hope in heaven or earth or sea
None other hiding place from guilt or shame
None beside thee.

-Christina Rossetti, "None Other Lamb"

cutting it close

I received a response from my local recruiter:

August 11th is the dead last date that you need to be medically cleared and invited. So, it seems like this will be OK as long as the test can be complete in July, giving the medical office about two weeks to clear you. No need to stress at this point!

Yet stress we shall. I need to call the medical office in DC to see if I can get the dates pushed up. I am dreading having to talk to all the doctors again.

On a lighter note, this is wonderful:





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khristos voskrese

Easter service was wonderful. Not that we should ever go beyond the cross, but Protestant (or Evangelical?) Christianity is great at proclaiming the death and crucifixion of Christ, but it is sometimes lacking in proclaiming the resurrection. I myself tend to be more comfortable with the sorrow of Good Friday than the rejoicing of Easter Sunday. Must rejoice more.

Seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.
Jeremiah 29:7

words in motion

You feel what you feel.
You think what you think.
You do what you do.

What I feel is difficult to express.
What I think is not always what I feel.
What I do matters but does not define me.