goodbye 2008

2008 is coming to an end. Last year at this time I was on a plane coming back from Beijing. How things have changed...

• started taking pictures
  
• said goodbye to 2 cars I loved
  
• learned to ride motorcycles
• gave up on motorcycles
  
• a new facebook band
• conversion to the church of laptops
• ICA staff
  
• a change of heart
• an almost divorce
• new small group
  
• an almost trip to the Philippines
• a new way to relate to my dad
  
• the roadtrip of a lifetime
  
• working people at WHEC
• started blogging :)
  

Have I grown? Am I different?

In some ways I feel more more mature, more disciplined, more sure of my foundations, more...surrendered. In other ways, I feel just as lost as before. Is part of growing up feeling more broken and vulnerable and sinful than ever?

Show me how firm a grip You have on me.

family

What is it about family that brings out the worst in me? Why do I revert to someone I am not anymore? How deep do the wounds go? Healed on the outside, still bleeding internally. Where does it end? Lessons learned dozens of times never seem to stick.

I have a vision of what it could be, but that vision is so foreign it might as well be someone else's. Even the small inroads are blocked off with concrete barriers and caution tape. I only make it worse.

"You give me hope in the things I forgot hope could be found."

back!

Location: El Segundo, California

And so it ends. Back to work. I'm safe and sound for those who are curious. Thanks for the calls and messages and hospitality from people on both coasts and inbetween.

Out of the 6,000 miles, the last 60 were the hardest. Only in LA is there traffic on a Sunday night. Home sweet home.

day 14

somewhere back in Jersey

Location: Avon, Colorado
Elevation: 7,431 ft

Avon is a ski resort town in the Rocky Mountains. This area is beautiful, I can tell even driving through at night with snow coming down. Rich people paradise. I can't wait to see it in the morning. The peak elevation is over 10,000 feet. What a fantastic drive. Almost home. Just 900 or so miles, hehe.

a confession

The more I see of the world and the more I see of myself, the more I realize that I know absolutely nothing.

I pretend to understand the meaning of life and the path to enlightenment. I speak with conviction and walk as if on solid foundations. I have learned that life has its mode and its method, its timing and its plan.

But the truth is, I do not know the future and cannot understand the past. Even to what little I can testify to be good, I cannot be am not faithful. I willingly indulge in temporary escapes even while fully knowing the crushing weight of its consequences.

You put me on a pedestal as a leader, a guide, a source of answers and direction. But all I have is an old faded map and a compass that doesn't always point north. I am unworthy.

I feel the pressure from all sides, just as they do, maybe even more. Sometimes it seems better to just be pressed into the mold, to be conformed into a shape that was never intended, like so many others rolling off the assembly line. It doesn't feel right, but it is easier than being different. I am not worthy.

And along comes Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.

random words

I have no past.
I have no future.
I'm coming in last.
I'm coming in last.

Are we destined?
Are we purposed?
I'm losing my breath
But finding the surface.

You're not finished,
It's not over.
Flip the switch on
That four leaf clover.

New York to LA.

day 13

Location: Somewhere, Kansas

Adding a couple pics. It's cold.

day 12 again

Location: Maryville, Missouri

It's been really good catching up with old friends. Cleveland, Missouri, and possibly Kansas tomorrow. Possible ice storm tomorrow.

:)

day 12

Location: DeKalb, Illinois

Went to Chicago for Giordano's deep dish pizza. It was everything that I had hoped for.

4 inches of snow overnight. I had to walk half a mile to get to the pizza place. How come no one has ever told me how fun it is to drive in the snow? Even makes traffic bearable.

On my way to Maryville, MO. Pics of snow later...

the way back

2,493 miles to go.