goodbye 2008

2008 is coming to an end. Last year at this time I was on a plane coming back from Beijing. How things have changed...

• started taking pictures
  
• said goodbye to 2 cars I loved
  
• learned to ride motorcycles
• gave up on motorcycles
  
• a new facebook band
• conversion to the church of laptops
• ICA staff
  
• a change of heart
• an almost divorce
• new small group
  
• an almost trip to the Philippines
• a new way to relate to my dad
  
• the roadtrip of a lifetime
  
• working people at WHEC
• started blogging :)
  

Have I grown? Am I different?

In some ways I feel more more mature, more disciplined, more sure of my foundations, more...surrendered. In other ways, I feel just as lost as before. Is part of growing up feeling more broken and vulnerable and sinful than ever?

Show me how firm a grip You have on me.

family

What is it about family that brings out the worst in me? Why do I revert to someone I am not anymore? How deep do the wounds go? Healed on the outside, still bleeding internally. Where does it end? Lessons learned dozens of times never seem to stick.

I have a vision of what it could be, but that vision is so foreign it might as well be someone else's. Even the small inroads are blocked off with concrete barriers and caution tape. I only make it worse.

"You give me hope in the things I forgot hope could be found."

back!

Location: El Segundo, California

And so it ends. Back to work. I'm safe and sound for those who are curious. Thanks for the calls and messages and hospitality from people on both coasts and inbetween.

Out of the 6,000 miles, the last 60 were the hardest. Only in LA is there traffic on a Sunday night. Home sweet home.

day 14

somewhere back in Jersey

Location: Avon, Colorado
Elevation: 7,431 ft

Avon is a ski resort town in the Rocky Mountains. This area is beautiful, I can tell even driving through at night with snow coming down. Rich people paradise. I can't wait to see it in the morning. The peak elevation is over 10,000 feet. What a fantastic drive. Almost home. Just 900 or so miles, hehe.

a confession

The more I see of the world and the more I see of myself, the more I realize that I know absolutely nothing.

I pretend to understand the meaning of life and the path to enlightenment. I speak with conviction and walk as if on solid foundations. I have learned that life has its mode and its method, its timing and its plan.

But the truth is, I do not know the future and cannot understand the past. Even to what little I can testify to be good, I cannot be am not faithful. I willingly indulge in temporary escapes even while fully knowing the crushing weight of its consequences.

You put me on a pedestal as a leader, a guide, a source of answers and direction. But all I have is an old faded map and a compass that doesn't always point north. I am unworthy.

I feel the pressure from all sides, just as they do, maybe even more. Sometimes it seems better to just be pressed into the mold, to be conformed into a shape that was never intended, like so many others rolling off the assembly line. It doesn't feel right, but it is easier than being different. I am not worthy.

And along comes Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.

random words

I have no past.
I have no future.
I'm coming in last.
I'm coming in last.

Are we destined?
Are we purposed?
I'm losing my breath
But finding the surface.

You're not finished,
It's not over.
Flip the switch on
That four leaf clover.

New York to LA.

day 13

Location: Somewhere, Kansas

Adding a couple pics. It's cold.

day 12 again

Location: Maryville, Missouri

It's been really good catching up with old friends. Cleveland, Missouri, and possibly Kansas tomorrow. Possible ice storm tomorrow.

:)

day 12

Location: DeKalb, Illinois

Went to Chicago for Giordano's deep dish pizza. It was everything that I had hoped for.

4 inches of snow overnight. I had to walk half a mile to get to the pizza place. How come no one has ever told me how fun it is to drive in the snow? Even makes traffic bearable.

On my way to Maryville, MO. Pics of snow later...

the way back

2,493 miles to go.

day 10

Staten Island, New York

Location: McDonald's, Cleveland, Ohio

Thanks you guys in DC and New York for hanging out, it was such a blessed weekend! Love you guys.

On the road alone now. I'm meeting a friend in a couple hours.

It's a little different traveling solitary, more reflective, more peaceful, more lonely. Especially in the hotel room late at night. But there are times on the road when the origin and destination stop mattering and all that matters is the wheel, the highway, and the moment.

Popeye's, Chinatown, NYC

day 8

Location: Eric Jan's house, Rockville, Maryland

Dad is safely home. Snowboarded yesterday in West Virginia, Snowshoe Resort. The American countryside is beautiful. We are driving up to New York soon. Sorry, no time for pics.

:)

day 6

Athena, Parthenon, Nashville, TN

Location: Dulles Airport, Washington, DC

We have reached the end of the continent. It has been raining for 3 days straight and this last 500 mile stretch was pretty hard, but we finally hit the other ocean.

My dad is flying out first thing tomorrow morning and I am so thankful for this last week with him. I never dreamed of having these kinds of conversations with my dad. Some of it was really difficult, but we understand each other better now. I have no idea how this will change the relationship or what will come out of it, but I believe it was meant to work out this way.

You give me hope in the things I forgot hope could be found.

Oh, and here are some ducks:

day 5

Location: Knoxville, Tennessee

It's been raining like crazy.

So we are 500 miles from DC. The plan is to drop my dad off at the airport Friday morning and go snowboarding. Wee!

I have also hit my flickr upload limit for this month, so no pics till later, sorry.

day 4

Location: Brownsville, Tennessee

people here have awesome accents

day 3

open road
Originally uploaded by natelee

Location:
Van Buren, Arkansas

I am out of words...

day 2

Location: Amarillo, Texas

Quality time...
Gas is SOOO cheap here!
$1.36/gal

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.
-Ps.139

You have a firm grip on me no matter what I do or where I go; LA, Philippines, or Texas. You have protected me from day 1, even when my eyes were turned away. You take from my hands the contraband that I covet and give me exactly what I need when I need it. Continue to tenderize my wandering heart.

more pictures

the spirit of route 66
Originally uploaded by natelee

for

more

pictures

http://www.flickr.com/photos/natelee/

day 1

location: gallup, new mexico

Life lessons and war stories,
eyes moist behind the aviators...

It's freezing here.

departure

Location: Cerritos, CA

We are about to leave home. What will the open road bring? I think hope believe the theme will be humility.

Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. -1 Pet 2:13-14

map

2,926 mi. epic.

fantastic voyage

This Saturday, I will be leaving for the east coast for two weeks...

...with my dad
...by car
...by this car

Will be updating from the road.

new song posted

End of Me (acoustic) posted:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Soldiers-and-Civilians/17955214827

Bonus:
In the Potter's Hands



http://cameeel.blogspot.com/

the end of me

I've been trying and fighting so long
To wash the dirt from my eyes
Broken mirrors, shattered pieces of what I thought I once knew

I'm speaking softly lost my will
Lost my conscience
Lost whatever voice whispered in my ear
What's that you say
“It's not over, it's not over”
What's the difference between now and yesterday?

Look at me
What do you see
Is it good or is it glorious?
Have a seat
Take a peek
Is there life here at the end of me?

I've got to run from the past
From the broken road I've walked
There's no escaping gotta keep on changing
Or my mistakes will catch up with me
I'm sick of running sick of hiding from my shame
Maybe it's time to give it all, give it all away


You give me hope in the things I forgot hope could be found
You are the light to my feet where I forgot there was ground
It's your scars that make you beautiful

62

quiet time
Originally uploaded by natelee

1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.

2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4 They fully intend to topple him
from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

9 Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.

10 Do not trust in extortion
or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,

12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.