Soldiers and Civilians

2012

2012-01-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

I believe this is the longest I have gone since I started this whole thing between updates. Much is going on, too much perhaps. All good things though. I cannot remember a period in my life that I have been so happily occupied.

If you feel so inclined, feel free to ask me for details. 2012 is going to be a good year.

apologies

2011-11-21T08:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,
I realize that I have been a bit distant as of late, but I hope you have not been feeling the tinge of resentment toward me. Good things have been happening! Good things that perhaps are too new and too exciting for me to share as of yet. You must admit that you cannot keep nary even a tiny secret, my old friend. Be assured, however, that though my attentions that have been focused elsewhere, my affection for you is not lacking nor waning.

I am happy to report that I have established a weekly meeting with my writing partner. Progress is occurring, albeit slowly and uncertainly. Unfortunately, it means that any time I would normally spend writing to you is being spent writing to that end. I hope to share with you soon news of great progress!

Until then my friend,
Nathan

joshua tree fisheyed

2011-11-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

Finally made it out to Joshua Tree after planning for a few months. On a whim, decided to buy a real fisheye lens, since I've been enjoying my cheap fisheye attachment so much lately. It's a Korean off-brand full manual 8mm lens at 1/3 of the price of a Canon branded lens.

So. Worth. It. Pictures came out amazing.

Lens flare very well controlled

My buddy's leg after a run in with a cactus

Didn't have much time for star shots :(

It is worth checking out the full set I think.

a long-desired happiness

2011-11-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

"Prince Andrew was galloping along in a post chaise enjoying the feelings of a man who has at length begun to attain a long-desired happiness. As soon as he closed his eyes his ears seemed filled with the rattle of the wheels and the sensation of victory."

-War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy

all hallows' eve

2011-11-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

I figured this would be a good opportunity to get to know some of my coworkers. Nice break from the drudgery of the typical work day also.

Me.

eh

2011-10-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

I guess my dad has no sense of nostalgia.

Also, I guess I already knew that.

Shrug.

a healthy dose of nostalgia

2011-10-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this Craigslist ad in the course of my daily internet wanderings.

This car, a brown 1984 Oldsmobile Delta 88 sedan, is exactly the same as the car my parents brought me home from the hospital in. They purchased it brand new while my mom was pregnant in anticipation of their soon-to-be expanding family. This car stayed with us for years. I remember sitting in the driver's seat when we stopped for gas and pretending for a minute what it would be like to grown up. I remember my dad telling us he was going to catch up to the fastest car on the freeway and gunning it while I laughed. I remember overheating on the way to Vegas and being stuck on the roadside with the hood propped up and a light rain drizzling down. I remember seeing her on the side of the road with a "For Sale" sign after a Korean lady ran a red and T-boned the front end.

Is the memory of a better time worth $1100 and some garage space? I emailed the link to my parents just now. Wonder what feelings this familiarly shaped assembly of metal and rubber elicits from them.

EDIT: Now that I think about it, I think we actually had the 2 door version. I guess my parents were not ready to give up THAT much of their youth yet.

tim burton at lacma

2011-10-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

First time at LACMA and it was awesome. Tim Burton has done way more than I was aware of. What a unique and instantly recognizable style. It was interesting seeing his growth as an artist and how his characters became progressively more gaunt and disfigured. Too bad no pictures inside the exhibit.

I have no idea what he is like as a person, but one of the themes I really appreciate in his art is the contrast between external appearance and personality. His creations are grotesque on the outside but vulnerable and relatable and human on the inside.

Also, I finally got to see those lamps that are in everybody's Facebook profiles haha.

Slideshow.

for those who wander

2011-10-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

Highly recommend Through Painted Deserts for anyone who has ever felt numb or lost in the molasses of everydayness. It will make you feel alive and appreciate the eccentricities of life. It will make you want to go outside and do something new.

Donald Miller is the only author I have read who has made me laugh aloud while nose deep in a book. He just posted an excerpt on his blog.

reassurances

2011-10-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

Not sure if I know how to accept this...

A poet has written, "the desire to feel loved is the last illusion: let it go and you will be free." Just as the sunrise of faith requires the sunset of our former unbelief, so the dawn of trust requires letting go of our spiritual consolations and tangible reassurances. Trust at the mercy of the response it receives is a bogus trust. All is uncertainty and anxiety. In trembling insecurity the disciple pleads for proofs from the Lord that her affection is returned. If she does not receive them, she is frustrated and starts to suspect that her relationship with Jesus is all over or that it never even existed.

If she does receive consolation, she is reassured, but only for a time. She presses for further proofs - each one less convincing than the one that went before. In the end the need to trust dies of pure frustration. What the disciple has not learned is that tangible reassurances, however valuable they may be, cannot create trust, sustain it, or guarantee any certainty of its presence. Jesus calls us to hand over our autonomous self in unshaken confidence. When the craving for reassurances is stifled, trust happens.

-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

It could be that this constant craving for reassurance and requited love is one cause of my often frustrated faith. However, I cannot agree that the desire to be loved is something that we need to be weened from. People who have conditioned themselves to not seek love perhaps have done so as a defense mechanism because they felt unlovable. I believe that it is one of the basic yearnings of the soul and to be detached from that desire is to be something less than human. Thoughts?

remote

2011-10-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

Spent the first half of the day at a manufacturing trade show at the Pasadena Convention Center. Met a guy who I had spoken to over the phone many times over the years at my previous company. We talked about how odd it is sometimes to put faces to familiar voices. It is possible to work with someone for years and not know a thing about them. Business relationships are an interesting thing.

I have been at a random Starbucks since noon relaxing and getting some work done. Love being out of the office. My rhinoceros of a laptop can handle any engineering task I throw at it just as well on the road. I could really get used to this. I am free to take Facebook and Kindle breaks whenever I need, but it is not really affecting my productivity. I work well while distracted. I wonder if this is what life as a writer would be like...

domo arigato

2011-10-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

Painting finished!

The original

Sketching ideas

Pencil it in

Acyrlic paints and brushes from Amazon

Base coat in brown

Fill in the mouth and add eyes

Looking pretty good at this point, nice scale

Add teeth and eye reflections

A bit of shadowing

Finished!

On our living room wall

Adds some character

Messing around
Slideshow

phil wickham at pepperdine

2011-10-07T23:49:00.000-07:00

Majorly impressed by Phil Wickham. The man has some talent! Captivated a crowd with just a mic and an acoustic guitar. And a delay pedal. Awesome stuff. Caught a free concert with some friends at Pepperdine in Malibu. The opener, Dominic Valli, was fantastic as well, I picked up one of his CDs. White man reggae. I can dig it.

My lens fogged up for a bit

,

Quite a few more here.

paint update

2011-10-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

After a couple hours spent reacquainting myself with Photoshop, trying to create a Godzilla stencil. It was proving difficult and complicated, so I decided to go another route. The new plan is to paint Domo-kun the Japanese poop monster coming out of the water. Much easier to draw haha. I just finished laying down the main body in acrylic. Stay tuned for a full post when completed. Looks like it might turn out pretty awesome...

tribute

2011-09-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

News and War

I saw hell on the news
In the eyes of his best friend
I heard hell on the radio again

I saw blood on the streets in the town of my birth
I saw ten shooting stars fall to dust on the earth
And I heard the animal sobs of his mother
I heard her plaintive lament

And I tried to explain but my tongue held no words
And I looked to the north but the city had burned
While ten thousand marines fell like rain on the earth
And each one was weeping for all he was worth

And they prayed
Oh my God
I will never understand until my dying day

I met a man with a broken back of stone
Wild-eyed in the park by my home

And he told me a tale of a fellow who'd died
And he said, girl, you couldn't believe if you tried
There was glory upon him like sun on the water
And if you'd been there you'd have cried like his daughter

For the waves became still as the crowd bared its teeth
And the raging machine joined its hand with the beast
And they laughed with a sneer as he shuddered and creaked
And I locked to his eyes as the tears coursed his cheeks

And he prayed
Oh my God
They will never understand until their dying day

-Alex Rhodes Fleeman

paint

2011-09-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

I have a new idea. Okay, it's not entirely a new idea. It's been done before. The idea is to take an old/bad/thrift store painting and paint over it to make it more interesting.

I have a friend who just took up painting and another friend who is getting rid of some old stuff. Motive and opportunity. Here's what we got. An old print of "Golden Surf" by Robert Wood.

And here's a quick photoshop of what I want to do with it:

Not sure about the laser eyes at this point, it is still an idea in progress. Plus, I don't know how to paint. Yes, this could turn out badly. Stay tuned folks...

extravagent worship v.2

2011-09-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

So I gave the message I was prepping for last week, but I ended up rewriting half of it. I completely skimmed over the WHY of extravagent worship the first time. I guess my motivations have evolved considerably over the last couple of years. It also took a bit of work to tailor the message to its audience, but I relish the opportunity to speak specifically to the heart of people.

A realization that comes most poignantly to me through preaching is that the pulpit is no pedestal. A preacher stands apart from his audience, facing them, with the cross behind him. As if he has the backing of God Himself. But he has no special knowledge, no elevated level of holiness, no increased amount of blessing. All he has is the attention of the crowd for a few short minutes.

Standing between the cross and the crowd, there is no other time when it is more evident to me that my proper position is on my hands and knees. It is a terrible day when a man begins to feel that his rightful place is in front of the people and not among them.

Extravagent Worship

Set the scene:
• Near the end of Jesus’ ministry
• 3 years with the disciples
• Right before Judas went to betray Jesus
• Right before the Last Supper
• Right before the cross
• Last few days to be with disciples

Jesus knows what was going to happen; he tells them repeatedly that he is going to leave them soon.

Springtime in Israel. A cool evening. Jesus, disciples, a few guests. Relaxing after a meal.

Jesus Anointed at Bethany
Mark 14:3-9

While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.

Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume? 5It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly.

"Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

The book of Mark does not identify the woman, but Luke says it was a “woman who had lived a sinful life” (possibly Mary Magdalene), and John says it was Mary sister of Martha and Lazarus. So this is either a sinful woman who turned from her ways and followed Jesus, or someone who saw Jesus raise her brother from the dead. In either case, Jesus has given her something that has changed her.

The Nard she pours is a rare spice from the Himalayas and was very expensive. A typical alabaster jar was thin and not more than 6 or 8 inches high. One of them said it was worth more than a year’s wages. It is probably her most treasured possession. She may have kept it with her at all times, maybe wearing it around her neck. Something to be savored a little bit at a time. But instead of a sprinkling, she snaps the neck off the jar and empties it on Jesus. So this would be like a 40,000 dollar bottle of Chanel or Calvin Klein, or AXE body spray, sprayed completely out. Can you imagine? When the disciples saw this, one of them says,

"Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly.

I have to say I probably would have responded the same way. They could have done a lot of good with that money, or at least used the perfume slowly in sane amounts. I mean, be practical Mary. We do need be practical in order to manage our responsibilities and survive as students, and as employees, and as Christians. To be practical and efficient is to be a good steward of what God has given us.

But this is something so completely different, and Jesus recognized it. What Jesus saw in Mary was LOVE. And when someone is in love, practicality goes out the window. If you have ever loved someone like that, you know what I’m talking about. And if you haven’t, you still know it when you see it, because it is just insane. What Mary felt about Jesus was irrational, overwhelming, and looked crazy to the people witnessing it. But that is how love is supposed to work. A girl wouldn’t say to her boyfriend, “Boyfriend, thank you for loving me so efficiently.” Jesus understands this and calls her act of worship beautiful.

"Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me…You will not always have me. She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial. I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

Jesus shows us that worship is not about practicality, it is about EXTRAVAGANCE. In few other situations would it be beautiful to use a $40,000 bottle of perfume like that. It is not about the amount of money. The kind of worship that pleases God is the kind that is able to at times ignore practicality to tell Him that He is worthy of all glory and every glory. When I talk about worship, I don’t mean singing Jesus songs or coming to church. It is something more personal, something more inward than outward. It includes all the things we do at church, but is not limited to it. When we worship extravagantly we are telling God that He is our real treasure. We are saying that our earthly treasures come from Him anyway and that we value the giver more than the gift.

Practicality is about returns, but extravagance does not care. There are two ways to fix a car. One way is to fix it for functionality, to replace what is broken just to get it running. This is the most efficient way. The second way is to restore it, to meticulously make sure that every nut and bolt is shiny, even polishing the underside that no one will ever see. Very few people will be able to appreciate the time and effort that goes into it. But that car becomes more than just transportation; it becomes a treasure to its owner. So how do we treat our relationship with God? Do we just make sure that we have enough faith to get us through the week, or do we allow it to become personal, and passionate, and beautiful?

This is our daily relationship with Jesus. Spending time with God is not about getting the biggest return for our investment. It’s not about fulfilling a spirituality quota, or checking off another thing on the to-do list. But that’s how we treat it sometimes, if we even get that far. Or we show up to church every week because that’s what Christians do, but the other 6 days of the week belong to us. Again, that isn’t how love works. Being in a relationship with someone is 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It means they are a part of your life, wherever you are.

So how does a practical relationship with God become an extravagant one? We can go back a couple chapters and look at the poor widow in Mark 12:41.

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

We can only start from wherever we are. We see over and over again in the gospels that Jesus cares less about the external circumstances of a person and more about their heart. These 2 pennies from this poor widow was no less extravagant than Mary’s expensive perfume. If you have never prayed in your life, a two word prayer could be as extravagant as two hours of prayer from someone else. If you have never read the bible before, reading for just 5 minutes a day could be equally as big a step. The point is that we give what we can, but God is always ushering us toward a fully committed relationship to Him. Toward a relationship where nothing else is more valuable to us. Toward an extravagant kind of worship.

What I failed to cover the last time I gave this message I missed a very important point. We see now the kind of worship God desires from us, and a little bit of HOW. But the most important aspect is WHY? WHY does this woman decide to empty her most valuable possession on Jesus? WHY is this poor widow willing to give away what little she has to survive on?

See, Mary’s extravagant worship was not something she just decided to do on her own. It was a response. Jesus is in the business of loving the unlovable. What attracted people to him was that he was willing to associate with people that a man of his stature just wouldn’t. He was a teacher, a Rabbi, a prophet. Deserving of respect. Other men in his position would not have even gone near the house of Simon the Leper. Leprosy is a skin disease with no cure and lepers were considered unclean, sinful. They assumed that lepers did something to deserve their condition. They were less than human. Jesus could have stayed in any house in Bethany, but He chose Simon’s house. For Jesus to even walk inside is to say “Simon, though other men turn away from you in disgust, I acknowledge you as a human being, and I accept you as my friend.”

Mary, as a sinful woman, would have been shunned by society. She would have been used to being ignored, and looked down upon, and judged. Yet Jesus forgives her sins and welcomes her, even letting her touch him. Even just as a woman, she should never have entered the room where men were relaxing. Yet Jesus not only doesn’t rebuke her, he elevates her above the men in the room. This stuff was completely unheard of at the time. The important people were outraged by these kinds of things. Jesus was hated in polite society because he loved the unlovable. But the poor, the broken, the outcast, could only fall at his feet in worship.

And that’s what we are. Every single one of us; sinners, screw ups, unfaithful followers, men and women unworthy of God’s love. Yet he pours it out on us like expensive perfume from an alabaster jar. The vessel that was broken in order to deliver that love was Jesus himself, God’s most prized possession, sacrificed for us. Only this time, instead of Jesus being anointed for the cross…for death…we are anointed for life everlasting. Extravagant worship always comes at a cost, an expensive cost. But for Mary, her jar of expensive perfume was cheap in comparison to what Jesus had already given her. It was the only response she could have given. This is WHY extravagant worship is possible. Because God first loved US extravagantly.

So I will rejoin you now in lifting up a response to God, as forgiven sinners, as redeemed screw ups, as unworthy people trying to give up our alabaster jars in response to the alabaster jar broken for us on that cross 2000 years ago.

-Community 153-
August 28th, 2011

last day of summer

2011-08-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

Malibu was WAYYY crowded this weekend. Guess most of LA thought it was a great day to spend at the beach. It was.

Full set.

progress

2011-08-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

I can't say unplugging has been easy, or that I've been as consistent as I hoped, but it has been helping a bit. I am starting to recapture a bit of the inner monologue that had been seeking to be replaced with outer distraction. The longer commute and busier work pretty much wipe me out by the time I get home. The temptation to veg is sometimes overwhelming.

Tonight I am working on a message that I am giving on Sunday. I'm just going to recycle something I wrote a few years ago, but I've been putting off refreshing myself on it.

unplug

2011-08-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

After spending three weeks on the road for work, I have realized how unfocused I really am these days. Even with few of the usual distractions in my lonely hotel room, I maybe got in one productive night. That night was cancelled out by a different night wasted watching Jersey Shore reruns.

I want to be better. I have so many things I want to work on.

I am self-instituting a ban on all distractions after 9:00 PM on weekdays. 9:00 PM will be my creating/renewing time. If you see me online/being a bum after 9:00 feel free to get all up in my face about it.

Things to do in said time:

Read
QT
Journal
Work on book
Write music
Play guitar
Figure out music toy
Build stuff
Go for a walk
Ponder life

a little bit of the burn

2011-08-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

Burnout.

Frankly I'm surprised it hasn't come earlier.

Is there a cure?

back to the getty

2011-08-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

baby shower the first

2011-07-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

The first of two.

Full set

32 miles

2011-07-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

weekend project

2011-07-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend at my parents' house to avoid the much anticipated Carmageddon closure of the 405. Turned out to be a beautiful weekend to spend on the freeways. Good job Los Angeles.

On the upside, I got to work on a couple car projects I'd been thinking about for a few weeks. First, replaced the weak "meep meep" stock horn with one I had kept off the BMW. Look how much better made the BMW horn on the right looks. I'm not sure how much louder it is, but the tone is noticeably more refined. I have been looking for more opportunities to honk.

The other project I decided to tackle last minute was a paint job for my wheels. They are now flat black. Painted with barbeque grill paint from Walmart. Pretty quick and dirty job, only used about $3 worth of paint. Looks pretty good and does a great job of hiding all the curb rash and chipped paint. I think I like the look enough that if it starts coming off, I might visit a powdercoater.

then and now

2011-07-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

"Were the continent crowded with inhabitants, her sufferings under the present circumstances would be intolerable. The more sea port towns we had, the more should we have both to defend and to loose. Our present numbers are so happily proportioned to our wants, that no man need be idle. The diminution of trade affords an army, and the necessities of an army create a new trade.

Debts we have none; and whatever we may contract on this account will serve as a glorious memento of our virtue. Can we but leave posterity with a settled form of government, an independent constitution of it's own, the purchase at any price will be cheap. But to expend millions for the sake of getting a few vile acts repealed, and routing the present ministry only, is unworthy the charge, and is using posterity with the utmost cruelty; because it is leaving them the great work to do, and a debt upon their backs, from which, they derive no advantage. Such a thought is unworthy a man of honor, and is the true characteristic of a narrow heart and a pedling politician.

The debt we may contract doth not deserve our regard if the work be but accomplished. No nation ought to be without a debt. A national debt is a national bond; and when it bears no interest, is in no case a grievance."

-Thomas Paine, "Common Sense," 1776

july 4th retreat

2011-07-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

Spent July 4th weekend baking in the Riverside sun on a retreat with my other church. (The website seems to currently be under attack from spam bots.) We stayed at California Baptist University, which was hosting several Chinese churches that weekend for some reason. One of which had a major role at the wedding I attended the week before. The Asian Christian community in Los Angeles feels pretty small sometimes.

A little basketball, a little swimming, a whole bunch of mafia, and some of these Sunday afternoon friendships have begun to deepen. Also, please don't watch Transformers 3 unless you are able to shut off your logical mind for two and a half hours. Another little piece of my childhood has been crushed. Ken Jeong is hilarious though.

Full set on Flickr.

sacramento

2011-07-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

Made my first business trip at my new company. Currently sitting at Sacramento Internation Airport, waiting for a 5:30 plane back to Los Angeles.

After hearing about how stressful business travel can be, this was a breeze. Just met with a customer at their office, discussed a project I'm working on and saw the product in action in their test lab. Then we all went out for lunch at Chili's. Pretty nice. My boss is quite personable. He asked me if I would be willing to work at our San Jose office for a few weeks sometime in the future. Sounds fun.

the latest nuptials

2011-06-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

Stephen and Charming, Altadena Country Club. Took a few more photos than usual. The more you take, the more you have to edit. So I'm kinda sick of these now. Full set on Flickr, link at end of post. Enjoy!

Plenty more where these came from.

it's complicated

2011-06-20T05:10:00.000-07:00

Father's Day this year was pretty pleasant. I drove home on Saturday for dinner but my mom had a wedding reception to attend, so it was just me and my dad. Out of all the places we could have eaten, he wanted KFC. Original recipe. From one specific KFC, because the other one wasn't as good. We were the only ones that evening celebrating Father's Day with fried chicken. Then he wanted to use a couple Baskin Robbins coupons that he had been holding onto for years so we did that. It was still pretty early and the sun was out when we got home, so we spent an hour or so washing and waxing my car. My job is still pretty new, so we had more than usual to talk about. Altogether unusually pleasant. Which is strange because a matter of months ago I had all but given up on the relationship and thought him the worst person in the world. Odd thing how family dynamics ebb and flow.

I am writing this, however, at 4:30 AM after having woken up in a sweat. I dreamed that my father was acting like the worst person in the world again. Like teeth clenchingly, screaming cuss fest bad. So bad that I woke up angry and out of breath. I remember specifically recalling in the dream that Father's Day was only two days ago and had gone well. I walked out to the living room for some water and felt I should write this out, perhaps against my better judgement. The 5:00 AM world is still half-enveloped in a cloud of haze, both outside my window and in my mind. Anyway, I know that one of the keys to this complicated relationship is the dropping of all expectations and a love that is blind to flaws. It is difficult because of so much past disappointment and circumstance and I hope I have at least a few more Father's Days to figure it out. I guess this would be a good time to pray a little before I drift back to sleep and maybe to more pleasant dreams.

book project

2011-06-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

I have been meeting a friend for lunch every Thursday for the last three and a half years. He worked down the street from me in El Segundo so it was a short drive and a long lunch once a week. It was a great time, something consistent that I needed through the ups and downs of the last few years. Now that I work fifty some miles from El Segundo, those lunches are no longer possible. They will be missed.

I have offered to help him with a stalled book project that he has been working on for a handful of years. Its working title is "When God is Not Enough" and it is written for Christians who have experienced God in a visceral way, but have for whatever reason lost a part of that intimate connection. For those who have trouble reconciling what they see in the church with what they experience in the world. For those who are disillusioned, dissapointed, and frustrated with God, but not enough to forget Him. In other words, right up my alley.

Hopefully, this will keep the friendship alive and help me work through some of my lingering issues. I enjoy writing, but I have trouble writing more than a blog entry at a time, so this will be a challenge. Also trying to figure out how dual authorship works, specifically when the authors are approaching the subject from different angles. A dialog perhaps, or is that off-putting? I hope our styles compliment each other.

Suggestions and stories welcome, readers.

nothing to report

2011-06-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

I go back and forth between being really stressed and utterly bored. I have five projects to work on, but very little information to go off of and nobody to ask. The boss has been out since last Thursday. Moorpark is a pretty small town. I'm thinking if it might be fun to Metrolink into work one of these days. It's not really cheaper than driving though.

memorial day weekend

2011-06-01T22:35:00.000-07:00

No clever title this time. Too tired busting my butt at this new job. Got five projects already and I'm still trying to relearn software I haven't used since college. The senior mechanical engineer quit just before I started, so yeah. Promotion by default? No thanks. Not into working THAT hard at work.

Balboa Park with Rob

Oceans and islands?

Doing silly things for the shot

Submerged plants look ghostly

Big Bear Retreat with Evergreen SGV

It snowed briefly :)

official

2011-05-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

Congratulations Robert and Joyce! What a great experience, thanks for asking me to officiate! Ten minutes before the wedding started I had a welt in my throat and butterflies in my stomach, but when I saw my friends walking down the isle, it went away and I couldn't stop smiling. Besides the groom saying his vows while looking into my eyes instead of the bride's, everything went swimmingly. The parents were very happy, so I think I did okay. They joked that I could start a side business. It really is a lot of work though and I think it's only worth it for close friends.

love as we know it

2011-05-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

I am convinced that the core of the human heart contains an inherent desire to be known. This need is independent of culture, class, wealth, religion and race. The entire basis of social interaction rests upon this compulsion and every relationship exists in its pursuit. To strangers, we express ourselves with what we wear, what we drive, where we are seen. To acquaintances, we express ourselves with shared interests, favorite books and movies, with knowledge. As friends, we share inside jokes, experiences, and struggles. As spouses, we share everything. The more intimate the relationship, the more we allow ourselves to be known. The more we allow ourselves to be known, the more potentially satisfying the relationship.

Love as we know it balances between being known and being accepted. We are ever gauging whether or not we will be accepted for what we reveal. As imperfect and sometimes ugly people, there is always a fear that we will lose the acceptance of our friends, family, coworkers, etc. Our past, our flaws, our weirdness, are sources of shame to be hidden from the world. We hide behind attractive masks so no one else would know how we really look. Yet what resides in the dark recesses of our hearts yearns to be brought into light. The pinnacle of human relationship is one in which sinful people fully understand and fully accept each other in all their ugliness.

Still, there are physical limits to crawling inside the skin of another. Only in a divine relationship can we be fully known inside and out. Only in a divine relationship can we be fully loved under the light of our faults. But only in a divine relationship do we have to relate from opposite sides of heaven. Anyone who has wrestled with God understands both the potential satisfaction and terrible difficulty in being loved by Him.

“I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.”
Isaiah 6:5

four years

2011-05-20T14:52:00.000-07:00

last week

2011-05-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

After three years, eleven months and ten days of employment at Marshall Electronics, I am entering my last week here. Resignation handed in, letter of recommendation requested, cards getting written, happy hour being planned. I cannot believe the amount of hours I have spent in this building, behind this desk. Goodbye's are always bittersweet and difficult for me, but this feels good man. At least until the new job starts.

the fast and the frivolous

2011-05-09T22:42:00.000-07:00

Went canyon driving with a friend the other weekend. Fun stuff.

I don't think I have debuted my new (to me) car on here yet. 2002 Mazda Miata. Less roof, more fun. So much better on windy roads than crawling up the 405.

I also got my vanity plates in today. Yep, pretty dorky.

vengeance and reconciliation

2011-05-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

It has been nearly a week since the FBI's most wanted terrorist was found and killed. Along with the drunk college students pouring out of DC area bars following President Obama's address that night, most of the country seemed to be celebrating the news. And why not celebrate? After ten years, billions of dollars, and hundreds of thousands of lives, we located the man who became the face of terrorism worldwide. A man who coordinated the most devastating attack on American soil in history. A man who took the lives of three thousand innocent men and women in one morning. We got him. Good job America. Justice has been served. Time to party.

Except that attitude didn't sit right with me. The phrase that came to mind was Pyrrhic victory. But looking beyond all the political, financial and personal baggage accrued over the last ten years, essentially we were celebrating the death of a human being. It felt wrong, no matter what atrocities he committed. It is easy to compare this week's pictures of cheering Americans to the pictures of cheering crowds in the Middle East following 9-11. Justice is such a convoluted concept. Who has the right to claim life in exchange for another? There is no changing the past. We should be better than that. We should substitute reconciliation for vengeance. That is the only path toward peace in this world.

A day later I posted a status update to Facebook:

After thinking over replies from friends in very different situations, I saw some validity in the search for justice. It is easy for me to downplay it because I am so far removed. For those who have seen the war first hand or lost loved ones, it must be infinitely more difficult. Ideally, we would be able to completely forgive those who trespass against us, but when we have been deeply wronged or hurt, the desire for justice is nearly insatiable.

I received a couple of emails yesterday which reminded me of a deep wound, one which I have all but learned to ignore. One which has shaped the last ten years of my life and my view of God. One which leaves me gasping for air at times. One which I still dream about. Without resolution, there remain residues of helplessness and frustration.

I want justice. It is an immature, irrational desire, but recognizing it doesn't suppress it. Even if reconciliation were a viable option, I don't know if I could follow through. I know that forgiveness is an open door to the cage of bitterness, but I do not want to forgive. I want to be avenged. I'd rather watch the source of my pain go down in flames than bring healing. It is all kinds of wrong, but the desire for justice is stronger and simpler than the desire for reconciliation.

I imagine it is similar to what America is experiencing. After a decade of fear, fighting, and ridiculous airport security, we have destroyed the perceived source of our troubles. Unfortunately, close and personal pain does not see reason, it seeks relief. It is our weakness that bids us to seek justice, but I would be a fool to think myself above it. Sometimes we as a country and we as individuals are unable to be any better. It is up to the best of us to resist those urges. Lead us with strong hands.

faith and mental illness

2011-05-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

Fantastic account of the reality of mental illness and its devastating effects by someone who is living it firsthand. Recommended read. Here is an excerpt:

I have been asked many times, "Was it worth it?" Each time I wonder what people mean by the question.

The treatments cost $300,000. My parents paid almost $90,000. Insurance covered about $100,000, and the government paid for the rest. The hospital didn't eat a penny.

But more than the money, I have been asked whether it was worth the pain and the stigma. I don't know.

My mom survived cancer twice and spent time in reverse isolation because a simple cold could have killed her. She told me she has never seen pain more intense than my two months of treatments. She spent many mornings shouting at God. Nevertheless, she always supported me. She would rub my head when the headaches were unbearable, offering scant physical relief but much emotional consolation. My father was angry when I first became ill but quickly adapted. He was ever-present during my darkest times. He just sat and waited with me. I didn't like being alone.

I talk about my family because I learned that those around me often saw more clearly than I did. In the midst of my suffering, nothing made sense. Reason and logic gave way to instinct and fatalism. Pain is a powerful drug. It altered my perception and was an indelible part of my reality.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2011/april/schizophrenic.html

festival of books

2011-05-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

They moved the LA Festival of Books to USC this year. It had been at UCLA for as long as I've been in West LA. I haven't been on campus for quite a long time. Interesting memories. Also got to do a little casual portrait shooting. Fun!

Winnie Cooper!

Madeline is kinda creepy in 3D

Hanged for stealing cookies

Dinner at Papa Cristo's

Exposition Park

Full set on Flickr as usual.

it's been so long since i've seen the ocean

2011-04-29T15:34:00.000-07:00

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Oh the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven
I wish you would

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean
I guess I should

-Counting Crows, "A Long December"

well that turned into a rant rather quickly

2011-04-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs,
And works his sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is his own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.

-William Cowper, “Light Shining out of Darkness”

The man who wrote these words lived a tragic life. His mother died when he was six. He was in love with his cousin at a young age but was barred from marrying her by her father. Neither ever married. He suffered from severe depression his entire life, attempting suicide multiple times. During some of his breakdowns, he was convinced that he was damned to hell for eternity and believed that God was asking him to take his own life as a sacrifice. He died as he lived, hopeless and despairing.

But out of this tragic figure flowed poetry which has lifted souls to soaring heights for centuries. This hymn has reduced me to tears on more than one occasion. What a fascinating human being. His writing is made all the more beautiful by knowing his background. People are drawn to this kind of person. One of his closest friends was pastor and reformed slave trader John Newton, who penned “Amazing Grace.” John Piper, when preparing a lecture on him, wrote:

“I devoted about three days from waking till sleeping to William Cowper, besides leisurely reading of his poetry up till that time. Those three days I was almost entirely outside myself as it were. Now and then I "came to" and became aware that I had been absorbed wholly in the life of another. But most of the time I was not self-conscious. I was not thinking about me at all.”

So often are beautiful lives carved out of unfortunate circumstances. Out of struggle, and longsuffering, and pain. As Christians, there is often pressure to be cheerful and rejoicing at all times. “Smile, Jesus loves you!” Well, sometimes, I don’t freaking feel like it. Is that okay? Sometimes the futility of life and the weight of the world take its toll. Sometimes it is hard to feel the way we are "supposed" to feel. Sometimes what we know in our heads refuses to travel the twelve inches down to our hearts. Some people are able to ignore those doubts or, even better, bear them with some otherworldly display of grace. I am not one of those people.

Is it beneficial to hide how we feel? I mean, it is not realistic to respond to every "How are you?" with "Oh God the world is eating my face," but some people are so practiced at faking happiness that they convince even themselves of it. Maybe that is where happiness comes from to begin with. But how much weight does that brand of happiness carry? The Jesus I picture is a burdened, heavy hearted individual, aware of the weight of his responsibility. I find that quality to greatly magnify the beauty of his existence.

I wonder if William Cowper or any number of artists would trade away their suffering if it meant the loss of their art. If it meant living carefree but trivial lives. Sometimes I wonder if I purposely dwell on the darker facets of existence in an attempt to imbue some kind of deeper meaning into what I do. So far I have only discovered that I cannot force myself to be an optimist, or an extrovert. What end will come from who I am I do not yet know.

good friday

2011-04-23T00:27:00.000-07:00

God is dead.

That’s how it feels sometimes. On this night some two thousand years ago, God died. Mocked, beaten, killed. As the sun set over that hill in Jerusalem, God’s fragile body hung limp and lifeless against the knurled bark he was bound to. For those who knew him and followed him, who loved him, this was the end. The man they believed was their savior, their king, their only hope, was gone. Everything they knew for the last three years, everything they were so sure of, died on that tree. What could they do now? Where would they go? How could they follow him to heaven if he was dead? Maybe he was misleading them. Maybe he was just wrong, like so many others who claimed to have answers to life’s mysteries. Their sleep must have been fitful that night, if they got to sleep at all.

The morning arrives. No voice booming from above, no caverns of fire opening up from below. Just the regular morning busyness out in the street. Birds chirp, children play, men prepare for the day. The previous day’s events seem like a dream, like they couldn’t have happened. Like they didn’t happen. Except that for the last three years, every morning, the disciples knew there would be a plan for that day. Somewhere to go, something to do, someone to follow. Now there was no one. No direction, no guidance. No purpose. No hope.

The only consolation left to them was each other. No one else could understand the loss they felt. Eleven souls adrift in murky, uncertain seas. Being together was their only, but significant, comfort. Each one encouraged the others to be stronger than they felt themselves. Some cried. They told stories of the last three years. Some were funny and they forced a weak smile. Mostly though, they felt betrayed. He often talked about his death, but none of them imagined it like this. At least, not so soon. With so many promises unfulfilled. With no final instructions.

But the miracles which opened their minds and the words which scorched their hearts flashed in memory. They could all but dismiss what they experienced as genuine and true. But what could they do now? He was the source of it all. They were just observers. Witnesses. They couldn’t continue his work themselves. Unsure of their future and of their faith, the disciples discussed their options. They had to go on. What did they do before all of this started?

People say that the disciples’ return to fishing was a result of their lack of faith. Symbolic of their failure to continue as disciples. Upon experiencing loss, we tend to return to the familiar, seeking some kind of anchor to regain a semblance of bearing. I do not fault them for this. The alternative would have been to give up altogether. I can only imagine the amount of courage and strength it took to even leave the house. They were failures and fools in the eyes of the entire city. Their savior, crucified like a criminal. The combined pain of shame and purposelessness must have been crippling. It is the kind of pain that rends the most vital of men numb and bedridden. But they continued the best that they were able, with torn hearts and clouded minds.

There are periods when all earnest followers of Jesus are introduced to this situation. When God feels distant, silent, or dead. Personal tragedy, bad church experiences, failed relationships, loneliness. The world is filled with circumstances that make us feel like God has forgotten us. We remember how he had set fire to our lives in the past, but that past feels disconnected. Like it belongs to someone else. We feel hopeless and purposeless, like the disciples without Jesus. Unsure of our future and our faith.

How can we continue? We must, because the alternative is not an option. We cannot deny the muffled screams from the part of our souls that knows there is no going back. Our experiences with God, however muted, has changed us forever. We must do our jobs, serve at our churches, and seek out fellow lost souls. We must not stop. There are others who feel abandoned by God, others who are waiting for him to return. As long as there are others, it is possible to go on.

Those three days between Friday and Sunday must have felt like an eternity to the disciples, but it came. They did not know when it would come, or if it would come, but it came. They did their best to pray to a God who had died before their eyes. Those could only have been confused, angry prayers. No more than cries out to the darkness. But it was enough. These eleven broken men were redeemed and their impact continues to be felt two thousand years later.

As we go through stages in our lives between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, we must remember what happened to those who experienced it first. God had to die in order to be raised. He leaves us in order to return to us in the most glorious of ways. At least, I hope so. Until then I guess.

one day in nevada

2011-04-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

The yearly tradeshow in Las Vegas has come and gone. This year I went on a different day than my coworkers, so I ended up buying a monorail ticket and spending most of the day wandering the strip taking pictures. It was my first time visiting a couple of the newer casinos. I love wandering.

Leaving the Convention Center

Lunch at Harrah's Buffet (Ribs, Clams, and Kindle)

Gondolas at the Venetian

Indoor shops at the Venetian, everyone has copied the indoor sky from Ceasar's Palace

The Fashion Show Mall looks like Independence Day
Ferrari Store at the Wynn

Fancy ceilings near the Ferrari Store

The car collection at Imperial Palace, I remembered this from when I was like 10 and stayed there with family

Among giants, yes that's a Yugo in mint condition

A Paris interior I believe, looks almost HDR'ed

Moon over Eiffel Tower, never seen the real thing
Outside the window on the way home

For a healthy chunk of more pictures, visit the full set at flickr.

regret and potential

2011-04-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

Waste forces within him, and a desert all around, this man stood still on his way across a silent terrace, and saw for a moment, lying in the wilderness before him, a mirage of honourable ambition, self-denial, and perseverance. In the fair city of this vision, there were airy galleries from which the loves and graces looked upon him, gardens in which the fruits of life hung ripening, waters of Hope that sparkled in his sight. A moment, and it was gone. Climbing to a high chamber in a well of houses, he threw himself down in his clothes on a neglected bed, and its pillow was wet with wasted tears.

Sadly, sadly, the sun rose; it rose upon no sadder sight than the man of good abilities and good emotions, incapable of their directed exercise, incapable of his own help and his own happiness, sensible of the blight on him, and resigning himself to let it eat him away.

-Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

extraordinary

2011-04-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

Amazing time lapse shot in the Canary Islands by Norwegian photographer Terje Sorgjerd. Absolutely breathtaking. See more of his work at http://vimeo.com/terjes and www.tesophotography.com.

[via]

slushboarding

2011-04-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

Mountain High was surprisingly awesome for April. Soft powder in the morning, falling snow and packed powder higher up in the afternoon. And no snow machines! Everything went better than expected, minus a 4 foot fall off a trick box. That was pretty bad.

what's in a voice

2011-04-13T11:24:00.001-07:00

The faintness of the voice was pitiable and dreadful. It was not the faintness of physical weakness, though confinement and hard fare no doubt had their part in it. Its deplorable peculiarity was, that it was the faintness of solitude and disuse. It was like the last feeble echo of a sound made long and long ago. So entirely had it lost the life and resonance of the human voice, that it affected the senses like a once beautiful colour faded away into a poor weak stain. So sunken and suppressed it was, that it was like a voice underground. So expressive it was, of a hopeless and lost creature, that a famished traveller, wearied out by lonely wandering in a wilderness, would have remembered home and friends in such a tone before lying down to die.

"If you hear in my voice - I don't know that it is so, but I hope it is - if you hear in my voice any resemblance to a voice that once was sweet music in your ears, weep for it, weep for it! If you touch, in touching my hair, anything that recalls a beloved head that lay on your breast when you were young and free, weep for it, weep for it! If, when I hint to you of a Home that is before us, where I will be true to you with all my duty and with all my faithful service, I bring back the remembrance of a Home long desolate, while your poor heart pined away, weep for it, weep for it!"

-Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

monday morning

2011-04-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

One of the things that make the Monday morning routine bearable is reading Postsecret's weekly post. If you don't already know what that is, ~~crawl out from under your rock~~ it is a blog that people send anonymous postcards revealing a secret. Some are funny, some are raunchy, some are heartfelt. Once in a while, one will stand out and hit like a ton of bricks. This one did today, and I don't even know why...

meat and masts

2011-04-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

Random couple pictures from my phone.

Amazing porterhouse steak from Harris' last weekend in San Francisco. 21 oz. and dry aged to perfection. Apparently dry aging takes much longer and very few places do it anymore. 50$ and worth every penny.

Very clever Sherman Oaks. Hidden cell tower along Burbank Ave. It's supposed to be a palm tree, but looks like a mutant bee hive. An evil bee hive mega lair. With antenna leaves.

back to san francisco

2011-03-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

Second time in two months. This time it was a bachelor's party for a high school friend. He is marrying another high school friend and they asked me to officiate the wedding. Not sure if I know what I'm doing, but I've been learning about ceremony details and refreshing myself on the meaning of marriage. None of it seems particularly difficult, but there is a weighty feeling of responsibility hovering over such a large life event.

It's been fun meeting with them and getting to know them as a couple. They've been so occupied with the logistics that the finer points of marriage haven't really settled in. I've been able to get them to think a little bit more about the symbolic and personal aspects of the commitment they are entering. We are trying to get a more concrete script worked out this week. The wedding is going down in a month and I'm really looking forward to it.

Any advice married people?

Full set here.

moving parts

2011-03-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

In a couple days, I will be moving in with a friend who just bought a condo. For one year and six months, I have been living by myself. These are my reflections.

I don't like living by myself. At first, after sharing an apartment with four other guys, it was a breath of fresh air to be on my own. So much easier to keep the kitchen and bathroom clean. And I could finally set up all my music gear and do some decorating. And no more falling asleep to the sounds of Smash Brothers in the living room. It felt great to move beyond college life.

However, it was an exceedingly difficult transition. Not only was I forced to reevaluate the more important aspects of life, I had to do it stone cold alone. All the structure that sustained my previous life had crumbled. It was like a bridge that had lost its main supports. The roadway still functioned, but it was without strength. For a while, the trains kept chugging across and the bridge was suspended by my sheer force of will. I could not hold out forever though, and through the months, good habits deteriorated into bad habits.

Most noticeably, my inner life has suffered and I find myself less frequently intellectually and emotionally stimulated. External distractions have taken over. Instead of reading, or exercising, or writing, I pop in a DVD and numb myself in endless entertainment. I fear the ease of becoming awash in a sea of empty commercialism and consumerism is the greatest temptation of this generation.

I am looking forward to flipping past the last pages of this chapter of my life. It has been 18 months of limbo, a period which, though not altogether pleasant, nor altogether over, had to happen the way that it has. I have always admired and emulated the Lone Ranger mentality, yet again finding that it works best on the silver screen. We cannot function as islands indefinitely. Discipline runs thin without guidance, will weakens without direction, and freedom loses meaning without boundaries.

I am still searching for somewhere that feels like home. I am hopeful that this next step is a few miles closer than the last one.

"I wish'd to live without committing any fault at any time; I would conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into. As I knew, or thought I knew, what was right and wrong, I did not see why I might not always do the one and avoid the other. But I soon found that I had undertaken a task of more difficulty than I had imagined. While my care was employ'd in guarding against one fault, I was often surprised by another; habit took the advantage of inattention; inclination was sometimes too strong for reason. I concluded, at length, that the mere speculative conviction that it was our interest to be completely virtuous, was not sufficient to prevent our slipping."
-Benjamin Franklin, The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

one for the money

2011-03-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

Remember my parents' friend? The one with the awesome house in Newport Beach? He threw another party, this time at his newly finished house in Laguna Beach. Five stories, an elevator, a movie theater, and a "disco," all sitting on top of a private beach. Infinity pool, a hidden room, LED lighting and speakers everywhere. Uh-maze-ing.

Bonus: Getting to catch up with some childhood friends that I haven't seen in years.

Not-so-bonus: Dancing to Lady Gaga with DJ lights and fog in the same room with my parents. Who were also dancing.

custom table finished

2011-03-03T14:04:00.000-08:00

Took some time to paint and add finishing touches to the table I designed. Turned out really good! The black textured paint came out very even and really highlights the engine. Also added some felt pads and plastic end caps to finish everything off. Took a time lapse video of the painting part. Fun but messy project. I really wish I had a garage to work in.

cruel cruel fate

2011-02-23T08:48:00.000-08:00

I have been periodically applying and interviewing for jobs for a few months. No offers. Until yesterday. I had applied for a patent examiner position at the Patent Office in Washington DC in November, knowing that they would take a while to get back to me. Earlier this month, they did, after I had forgotten about it. They scheduled a phone interview, which I thought I bombed, and offered me a position yesterday. A position with great pay, in a new city, and a couple friends already work there. Everything I was looking for.

Catch.

Because of a hiring freeze starting March 1st, I would have to start on February 28th. That's this Monday. I would have to give two weeks notice and move across the country in 6 days. Even if I had zero responsibilities that would be difficult. I had to turn it down. From what I hear, there is no telling when they will start hiring again. Mad disappointed. Closest chance yet to get out of this rut.

first road trip of 2011

2011-02-22T11:54:00.000-08:00

Made a quick trip up to San Francisco because my friend was in town for a couple days on her way back home.

As always, click to expand and full set on flickr.

simpsons in la

2011-02-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

Haha awesome. Woo Cerritos Auto Square!

quick update

2011-02-18T11:35:00.001-08:00

A handful of things going on lately, but haven't pulled enough of it together to post. Maybe soon. Gotta get to editing some recent pictures.

three more quotes in scarlet

2011-02-09T20:04:00.000-08:00

"To the high mountain peaks of faith and sanctity he would have climbed, had not the tendency been thwarted by the burden, whatever it might be, of crime or anguish, beneath which it was his doom to totter, It kept him down on a level with the lowest; him, the man of ethereal attributes, whose voice the angels might else have listened to and answered! But this very burden it was that gave him sympathies so intimate with the sinful brotherhood of mankind; so that his heart vibrated in unison with theirs, and received their pain into itself and sent its own throb of pain through a thousand other hearts, in gushes of sad, persuasive eloquence. Oftenest persuasive, but sometimes terrible! The people knew not the power that moved them thus."

"He entered the accustomed room, and looked around him on its books, its windows, its fireplace, and the tapestried comfort of the walls, with the same perception of strangeness that had haunted him throughout his walk from the forest dell into the town and thitherward. Here he had studied and written; here gone though fast and vigil, and come forth half alive; here striven to pray; here borne a hundred thousand agonies! There was the Bible, in its rich old Hebrew, with Moses and the Prophets speaking to him, and God's voice through all.

There on the table, with the inky pen beside it, was an unfinished sermon, with a sentence broken int he midst, where his thoughts had ceased to gush out upon the page two days before. He knew that it was himself, the thin and white-cheeked minister, who had done and suffered these things, and written thus far into the Election Sermon! But he seemed to stand apart, and eye this former self with scornful pitying, but half-envious curiosity. That self was gone. Another man had returned out of the forest--a wiser one--with a knowledge of hidden mysteries which the simplicity of the former never could have reached. A bitter kind of knowledge that!"

"But there was a more real life for Hester Prynne, here, in New England, than in that unknown region where Pearl had found a home. Here had been her sin; here, her sorrow; and here was yet to be her penitence. She had returned, therefore, and resumed--of her own free will, for not the sternest magistrate of that iron period would have imposed it--resumed the symbol of which we have related so dark a tale. Never afterwards did it quit her bosom. But, in the lapse of the toilsome, thoughtful, and self-devoted years that made up Hester's life, the scarlet letter ceased to be a stigma which attracted the world's scorn and bitterness, and became a type of something to be sorrowed over, and looked upon with awe, yet with reverence too."

-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

I find that the literature which resonates with me often contains familiar themes.

a scarlet letter

2011-01-30T19:58:00.000-08:00

"She could no longer borrow from the future to help her through the present grief. Tomorrow would bring its own trial with it; so would the next day, and so would the next: each its own trial, and yet the very same that was now so unutterably grievous to be borne. The days of the far-off future would toil onward, still with the same burden for her to take up, and bear along with her, but never to fling down; for the accumulating days and added years would pile up their misery upon the heap of shame. Throughout them all, giving up her individuality, she would become the general symbol at which the preacher and moralist might point, and in which they might vivify and embody their images of woman's frailty and sinful passion. Thus the young and pure would be taught to look at her, with the scarlet letter flaming on her breast--at her, the child of honourable parents--at her, who had once been innocent--as the figure, the body, the reality of sin. And over her grave, the infamy that she must carry thither would be her only monument."

-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

I am going back and rereading some of these classics that I Cliffnoted/Sparknoted back in high school. Powerful stuff, and utterly beautiful writing. Still so relevant today. Times change, people don't.

I'm loving my Kindle.

light by night

2011-01-30T19:43:00.000-08:00

"Moonlight, in a familiar room, falling so white upon the carpet, and showing all its figures so distinctly--making every object so minutely visible, yet so unlike a morning or noontide visibility--is a medium the most suitable for a romance-writer to get acquainted with his illusive guests. There is the little domestic scenery of the well-known apartment; the chairs, with each its separate individuality; the centre-table, sustaining a work-basket, a volume or two, and an extinguished lamp; the sofa; the book-case; the picture on the wall--all these detials, so completely seen, are so spiritualised by the unusual light, that they seem to lose their actual substance, and become things of intellect. Nothing is too small or too trifling to undergo this change, and acquire dignity thereby. A child's shoe; the doll, seated in her little wicker carriage; the hobby-horse--whatever, in a word, has been used or played with during the day is now invested with a quality of strangeness and remoteness, though still almost as vividly pressent as by daylight. Thus, therefore, the floor of our familiar room has become a neutral territory, somewhere between the real world and fairy-land, where the Actual and the Imaginary may meet, and each imbue itself with the nature of the other. Ghosts might enter here without affrighting us."

-Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter

the good old days

2011-01-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

Recreated my favorite weekend breakfast from the dining halls back in the UCLA days. Just as delicious as I remember. My, that feels like a couple lifetimes ago.

Recipe:
1 cup white rice
1/2 onion, chopped
Some spinach, chopped
1 can cream of mushroom soup
2 eggs, fried
Soy sauce

Cook onions and spinach in pan, add soup and a little water. Pour soup over rice and place eggs on top. Soy sauce to taste.

So good.

inheritance

2011-01-25T22:03:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I got an email from the editor of INHERITANCE magazine. It is published by a local church and is aimed at the Asian-American Christian community. A friend who's wife is a contributor recommended my music for a compilation CD they were putting together showcasing Asian American artists. This was pretty flattering, as I came "highly recommended." I haven't considered these recordings as anything more than a personal project, but it seemed like a glowing opportunity to share.

I submitted "There is Time" and a short blurb about the inspiration behind it. I had to fill out an artist's release form and everything. How nice and official. A few weeks later, here we are and I just logged into Facebook to see that the CD has been released. Exciting! There are nine tracks on the CD, including one from my high school friend Kevin Yap. The cover was also designed by a college friend. What a small world. Anyway, it is up for download at INHERITANCE's website.

Introduction and Blurb
Download Link

I haven't listened to it yet. I'm kind of afraid that the other tracks will sound way better than mine. Still working on the musical self-confidence.

If you haven't heard the rest of the CD yet, please drop by my soundcloud.

time lapsed

2011-01-21T09:13:00.001-08:00

I won a camcorder at my company's Christmas party. It's got some decent features but the picture quality is not so great. Shot some time lapse footage from my balcony a couple weeks ago. Had always wanted to play with it.

custom dining table build

2011-01-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

My BMW 525i died recently and I pulled the engine apart to see what was wrong with it. It ended up not being worth it to fix, but I'm to sentimental to just junk everything. Plus I've been using a folding card table as a dining table. This is the top half of the engine, the head.

Set to work doing some CAD in Google Sketchup. Designed a support system for the engine out of 1" square tubing and sized a glass top. I use Pro/Engineer at work and found Sketchup hard to get used to. Seems pretty easy for non-engineers to pickup though. Plus it's free!

Found a local metal supplier with 1" square tubing. This is 16 gauge mild steel. They sell them in 20' lengths and I had them cut it to length. I needed 8 pieces at 26" lengths for the sides and 3 pieces at 36" lengths for the crossbars.
Cost: $50 including labor

This is the hard part. Welded the raw materials together per design. I have a Lincoln MIG welder from previous projects that is much neglected. It was challenging to get the angles square without a flat work surface. This was done on my balcony. I'm also a pretty crappy welder. The supports warped a bit because I didn't think to manage the heat.

Drilled holes in the center section, using the existing head bolt holes for guides. I wanted to use the original head bolts to secure the head to the frame, but they are just barely too short. The weight of the head adds to the stability of the frame nicely.

The original glass supplier I found is all the way downtown, and only opens while I am at work. Luckily, I found that IKEA sells a glass table top nearly the same size. It's a bit narrower, but it was also $30 cheaper. They didn't have plain clear glass either, so I chose one that had "Love" etched in it in all different languages. I guess it kind of fits the theme.
Cost: $80

I'm considering painting the frame black to give it a bit more contrast. I'm also concerned with the steel rusting. Might be okay because its indoors with low humidity. I also need to source plastic caps for the open ends. They're kinda sharp.

Glass is difficult to photograph well.

I am fairly pleased with how this project turned out. Need to practice welding though.

Costs:
Engine Head: Free
Steel Tubing: $50
Glass Top: $80

A few more photos here.

from malibu, with love

2011-01-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

Posting from Starbucks off Zuma Beach in Malibu.
Here are some happenings...

Double rainbow in West LA on the way home from work.

From Griffith Park Observatory, watched "Centered in the Universe" in the big dome.

Quick trip to Mountain High on New Year's Eve. Very crowded.

snow summit

2010-12-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

Haiku

First time up two years
I might have a couple bruised ribs
A fun time for all.

merry christmas!

2010-12-21T14:21:00.001-08:00

In Newport Beach, the rich people put on a Christmas parade for each other. On the water. With their yachts as floats. And they have Ferraris. More than one. Because you need to own one before they let you buy one new. What a life.

Full set on Flickr.

what could have been

2010-12-13T08:03:00.000-08:00

This weekend I went on a bike ride and stumbled upon a building that looked familiar.

I was last here three and a half years ago for an interview, about the same time I interviewed for my current job. They both called me with offers in the same hour if you believe that. I turned down this company and have been working with the other ever since.

I rode around the neighborhood a bit and couldn't help but wonder what life would be if I chose differently. Different coworkers, different commute, different restaurants for lunch. Could it have affected my bigger life decisions? It could have, but it is pointless and impossible to speculate. Life is what it is, and if there is a bigger plan for it all, we are all caught in it for better or for worse. Still, it is fun to wonder what could have been...

hardest days

2010-12-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

This guy was playing in a bar on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco, 8 or so years ago. I bought one of his CDs. Good stuff.
www.paulhayward.com

The hardest days are the ones that I must spend away
And leave you in your ocean home
The hardest times are the ones that I can't ease my mind
To know it's the miles that are tearing us apart
Not the lack of love left in our hearts
Oh, hardest days

The hardest nights are the ones I try with all my might
To close my eyes and fade away
And wake up to the hardest days
The hardest words are the ones that I have never heard
Of why it is you went away
These are words you did not say
Oh, hardest days

The hardest nights are the ones I try with all my might
To close my eyes and fade away
And wake up to the hardest days
Oh, hardest days

Paul Hayward - "Hardest Days"

download away

2010-12-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

All tracks uploaded! Listen right here or get MP3 with the down arrow at the right of each track.

Or go to the source.

01 - Concrete River by soldiersandcivilians

02 - The Long Way Home by soldiersandcivilians

03 - The Good Fight by soldiersandcivilians

04 - New York to LA by soldiersandcivilians

05 - There is Time by soldiersandcivilians

06 - Sail the Sea by soldiersandcivilians

Special thanks to the friends who contributed to this project. You guys are awesome!

Leo - Drums
Chi - Vocals on "There is Time"
Daniel - Electric Guitar on "There is Time"
Camille - Design and Artwork

it begins

2010-12-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

Started to give out CDs. Dropped a few off a couple nights ago and just stopped by the Post Office this morning.

Awesome.

If you want one, please get me your mailing address or let me know when you're free if you're local. Will post tracks for streaming and download in a couple weeks.

Stay tuned....

some assembly required

2010-12-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

it's done

2010-11-22T16:55:00.000-08:00

It's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done it's done.

It's done. The hard part anyway.

to hug a porcupine

2010-11-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

Please read if you have some time:
http://www.browardpalmbeach.com/2008-06-26/news/to-hug-a-porcupine/

Absolutely heartbreaking article. Tragic and not for the faint of heart, but gripping and real. Fairly disturbing, so don't read if you are not willing to be shaken. It is difficult to comprehend the ugliness that people are capable of and the price others pay for it. We live in a broken world and no one is innocent. Sometimes there are no answers. Can we live with that and not lose hope?

I would love to hear some of your reactions. I imagine that some will be mighty confused.

[image via]

studio setup

2010-11-16T16:39:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been wasting my Flickr account, so I took a few pics around the apartment of my recording setup. It's also nice to get something out, because it feels like I've been working on these six tracks forever. It's almost ready, I'm just filling in some last cracks. Whenever I manage to fill a big crack, I always find a few smaller cracks that need filling. I guess that's how it goes.

My friend had these awesome monitors in storage while his garage studio is under construction. He let me borrow them. Much better than computer speakers let me tell you. Decent set of cans hanging on the left as well.

16 channel Mackie mixer I got off craigslist a while a go. A bit overkill for me, but oh well, it was cheap. Guitar effects hanging out in the rear.

Microphones used. Two large diaphragm condensers and the good ol' SM57. My company makes the one in the middle :)

These two got the most use on this project. Both cheapies and both bought online.

The drumset. Fearing noise complaints, I replaced the drum heads with mesh heads and pieced together a few things so the drums are electronic and silent. Cymbals are still loud though. But low frequencies travel through walls more readily. Right?

Closeup of the triggered snare. The black drum head is a screen door like material. That red piece senses the vibration of the stick hitting the drum and sends a signal to a controller you can barely see at the top of the picture, mounted to the bass drum. The controller has drum sounds programmed into it and you can plug it into a speaker or mixer or headphones.

oh gosh decisions

2010-11-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

So after much wrestling, I ended up deciding not to get that VW tomorrow in Phoenix. Sooo stressful. I even got a cashier's check for the amount we agreed on already, just to tell him I'm going to hold off indefinitely. Feel kinda bad about bailing on the guy, but reading about the problems with that particular engine design freaked me out. Especially because it would be the most expensive thing I have ever bought. For now I am going to just drive my dad's '98 Avalon, and he might just get a newer car for himself. Gosh I don't know why spending money stresses me out so much.

On a different note, my friend let me borrow his freaking awesome studio monitors. They are like bigger than my monitor and take up half my desk. Pretty awesome.

pass no pass

2010-11-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

Been calling, emailing, and test driving. Here's a couple interesting ones that I drove but ended up being to rough for a daily driver.

1971 Mercedes 280SE

Gorgeous classy car. Stately is a good word for it. Great body, almost no rust, but too many broken interior bits, no maintenance history, no paperwork. Alleged mechanic's car. Drove a lot better than I was expecting it to. Didn't really trust the seller though. Was a lot dirtier than in the picture. Having been burned by old cars with unknown histories, I know that a good deal can quickly turn into a huge headache. Can't afford that right now.

1983 Delorean DMC-12

Deloreans are epic. What an attention getter. I wasn't expecting this one to be practical as an only car, but I had to check it out. Who knows? Sitting in it feels like sitting in a space ship. They were after all designed to compete with the Ferrari's and Porsche's of its day. Poor visibility, heavy clutch, very little trunk space. I could live with that, except this one hasn't been registered since 1994 and would probably need a few thousand dollars' work put into it. There was literally a puddle in the passenger foot well. Surprisingly, it started right up and seemed to run really well. If I only had a garage to work on it in, it would be an awesome second car. Oh well.

2004 Volkswagen Golf TDI

I actually just settled on a price for this VW Golf TDI in Phoenix. Did my homework on it and everything seems to check out. Gonna drive out there on Saturday, and hopefully it looks as good in person. Never bought a car sight unseen before but the seller seems trustworthy. Look out for another wanderings post early next week...

i ask myself

2010-11-03T08:46:00.001-07:00

[via]

eye strain

2010-11-01T18:20:00.001-07:00

Between work, looking through car listings, looking through job listings and editing music, my eyes have been pretty tired this last week. Half seriously applying to jobs overseas and on the other side of the Mississippi. Oh! You know what's weird? You know how on craigslist, they list 100 ads at a time in a given category? Well for the cars section, by the time you finish browsing one set and hit the "See next 100," you see half the set from before on the next page. That's how many ads are posted every few minutes. I guess there's a lot of cars in LA.

progress is exciting

2010-10-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

Woo! Making progress. Halfway done with the last track. The light at the end of the tunnel is poking through.

Got first draft of the artwork and it is looking mighty fine. Also getting some mixing help this week from that friend I mentioned. Hope you guys enjoy this stuff when it's finished. Exciting stuff friends...

car is dead

2010-10-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

It finally kicked the bucket.

I have been dealing with cooling issues for quite a while, without finding a real solution to the issue. BMWs are notorious for their weak cooling systems. I forgot to replace the radiator cap after adding coolant yesterday and by the time I figured it out, a whole bunch of air had been sucked into the radiator. I didn't realize this until I left work to meet a friend for dinner when the temperature gauge nosed into the danger zone.

Pulling into a Taco Bell parking lot off of a busy section of Sepulveda in Manhattan Beach, I pulled the hood off and leaned it against the chain link fence. In order to purge the air out of the radiator, you have to apply pressure to the system and force it all out of a bleed valve. The normal way to do this is by running the engine after letting it cool. The fast way is to pressurize the radiator manually. With your mouth. I was definitely not in the mood for the normal way. It must have been an odd sight to see an Asian man bent over the front of a BMW with the hood off, blowing into the radiator. It worked though.

Made it to dinner late but happy the car was running well. Headed off to small group after that, but noticed white smoke billowing from the tailpipe. Crap. The heat probably killed the headgasket. That's a pretty major repair for a car worth less than the tires it's riding on. Oh well, at least it was running.

Later that night, around 11, I tried to leave but it wasn't happening. No crank, no jumpstart, no nothing. Engine seemed like it was seized. Crap crap. Got a ride home and biked to work in the morning. Gave in and asked my mom for a ride after work to see if a push start would work. That's where you get a stalled car with a manual transmission moving and pop the clutch to start it, when the starter or battery is dead. No luck. Give up. One last try with the key and....a sputter! Okayyy, try jumping it again. LIFE! And more smoke. Lots of it. But life nonetheless.

Limped it to my parents house. 20 miles. Through Friday afternoon traffic. In LA. Every time we slowed down, the temp needle would shoot toward the red. Plus my mom, following behind, doesn't look before she changes lanes. Not the most carefree afternoon. Made it after an hour on pins and needles. Whew. Pretty sure that car is never gonna move under its own power again. Borrowing my dad's car for now. What should I get? This is a stressful decision for me. So many choices...

A- Same car (swap nice parts)
B- Older, cooler BMW
C- Pickup truck (utility?)
D- Motorcycle (coooool, but danger)
E- Volkswagen TDI (50 mpg woot!)
F- Classic American something or other
G- Bike it all day every day
H- Porsche 914
I- Ratty old Beetle
J- Don't say Honda Accord

(I realize you don't care about geeky car stuff. Even though it might get you out of a tough situation some day. Or save your life. And lots of money. You'll just keep a friend around who knows that stuff. And call him when you have car problems. He's okay with that.)

(I also realize that I spend more energy than I would like to on this stuff. Every time I swear it off, it comes creeping back eventually. I can't help it. It's just cool stuff. Gotta get to work somehow. Might as well do it with some style.)

forest home

2010-10-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

Pretty awesome setting for a retreat. Dare I say nicer than Pine Valley?

Full set on Flickr

santa monica place

2010-10-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

If you've been in West LA in the last few years, you've probably been to 3rd Street in Santa Monica and seen the ugly construction adjacent to it. There were redoing the old mall there, and apparently it just reopened. They're calling it Santa Monica Place. It's...beautiful. Tons of metal and glass. All open construction with top tier stores. Which means no stores that I would actually shop at. But I've always found malls to be good places to study or read or just people watch. Check it out if you're ever in the area.

between 7:30 and 4:00...

2010-10-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

...I am usually quite bored. That is all.

excitable

2010-10-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

Making a lot of progress on the new music lately. Did a couple recording sessions with a drummer friend (real drums!) and in the middle of editing those tracks. Was able to partially convert my acoustic drums into an electronic drums to make the recording simpler (and quieter for the neighbors). Maybe will post something on that later.

Got an artist friend to do some album artwork. Once I'm satisfied with the arrangements and timings, gonna take it to a friend for some final mixing. It will be nice to get a fresh set of ears, mine are kinda tired from listening to the same tracks over and over. Thankful for friends. Hard to stay motivated working on a longish term project alone.

So I guess I have begun to like these 6 tracks enough to put some effort into distribution, if you can call it that. Just planning to give it all out for free once it's done. Let me know if you want a CD. Gonna mail it out to people who are far away. I'll probably have it up for streaming and download somewhere also.

almost lost it

2010-10-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

Barely avoided disaster yesterday.

I've been spending a good amount of hours lately working on the new recordings and it's been pretty productive the last few weeks. After a few hours editing last night, I went to delete some folders off a USB drive but hasty fingers deleted my main recording folder, skipping the Recycle Bin because of the size of it (almost 20 GB). When I realized what I did, I kinda freaked out for like 10 minutes because I knew my backups were more than a month old. That was like 30 hours of hard work . I called a friend to pray for me and got my head back on straight. Figured there might be a way to recover the files and some searching uncovered a handful of free programs. Turns out that when you delete files, they don't disappear off the drive, they just become invisible to Windows (or OSX). As long as you don't overwrite the data, it's pretty simple to recover it. I was able to save all of my deleted files. Soooo thankful. Gotta remember my priorities though, it's not the end of the world even if I did lose it all. Will remember to backup more frequently now.

If you are ever stuck in a similar situation, don't panic. Check backups and recycle bin. If it's still not there, download Recuva right away and scan for your deleted files. It's completely free and easy to use. I'm gonna send them a few dollars, cuz they deserve it.

[via]

2010-09-28T20:27:00.001-07:00

There is probably no Christian to whom God has not given the uplifting experience of genuine Christian community at least once in his life. But in this world such experiences can be no more than a gracious extra beyond the daily bread of Christian community life. We have no claim upon such experiences, and we do not live with other Christians for the sake of acquiring them. It is not the experience of Christian brotherhood, but solid and certain faith in brotherhood that holds us together. That God has acted and wants to act upon us all, this we see in faith as God's greatest gift, this makes us glad and happy, but it also makes us ready to forego all such experiences when God at times does not grant them. We are bound together by faith, not by experience.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "Life Together"

you are not alone in your suffering...

2010-09-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

O Lord, God of my salvation; I cry out day and night before you.
Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry!
For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit: I am a man who has no strength, like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from your hand.
You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep.
Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and you overwhelm me with all your waves.

You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them.
I am shut in so that I cannot escape; my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call upon you, O Lord; I spread out my hands to you.

Do you work wonders for the dead?
Do the departed rise up to praise you?
Is your steadfast love declared in the grave, or your faithfulness in Abaddon?
Are your wonders known in the darkness, or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

But I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you.
O Lord, why do you cast my soul away?
Why do you hide your face from me?
Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.
Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me.
They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together.
You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness.

-Psalm 88

The darkness of men is sometimes deep, but never black beyond redemption. Even the most desperate of cries has a voice and is not ignored by the Almighty. He not only knows the depth of affliction, He has become affliction for our sake. This is our only hope.

Listen

marathon over

2010-09-07T18:40:00.001-07:00

Slideshow

Last wedding of the year I think. This one was fun to photograph :)

new music?

2010-09-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

Been working on recording some new stuff for a while, but I'm just about out of steam...

Four and a half songs done at the moment, three more I can start on, but lacking much motivation. What should I do? I would like to put together a nice CD package to mail out, but 4 songs seems like not enough to warrant the effort and money.

Should I just release what I have online in MP3? What format is easiest for you to listen to? It's not professional quality or anything, but I have sunk a good amount of time and energy into it. I really hate promoting myself.

Could really just use some encouragement, if anyone still reads this...

flip a coin?

2010-08-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

[via]

wonders

2010-08-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

I am posting this from a moving bus which is apparently equipped with wireless Internet. On my way from Washington DC to Newark. First time riding Greyhound. It's good to get away from the grind. Some new wedding pics coming soon, along with star pics from Joshua tree last weekend. Still working on the new album as well, it's slow going...

Sent from my iPhone

a little lunchtime reading...

2010-08-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

Been feeling a bit dry and stagnant. Waiting for the next steps....

"God's impressions within and his word without are always corroborated by his providence around, and we should quietly wait until those three focus into one point...If you do not know what you ought to do, stand still until you do. And when the time comes for action, circumstances, like glowworms, will sparkle along your path; and you will become so sure that you are right, when God's three witnesses concur, that you could not be surer though an angel beckoned you on."

"The circumstances of our daily life are to us an infallible indication of God's will, when they concur with the inward promptings of the spirit and with the Word of God. So long as they are stationary, wait. When you must act, they will open, and a way will be made through oceans and rivers, wastes and rocks."

-Frederick B. Meyer, The Secret of Guidance

[via Dallas Willard, Hearing God]

another deferral

2010-08-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

Um. So I got another letter from Washington letting me know that I'm still in limbo. At this point, I am unable to make the September leave date that I have been preparing for since late last year. I do feel a bit disappointed, but not as much as I expected, considering the circumstances. Seems like LA will be my home for a little longer, though I am developing a new appreciation for the City of Angels. Starting to weigh other options....Any ideas? Stay here till retirement?

Serve the City 2010. I'm on the right. I got cut off.

o for a closer walk with god

2010-07-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

O fire of God, come burn in me;
Renew a holy passion,
Till Christ my deepest longing be,
My never-failing fountain,
My never failing fountain.

What peaceful hours I once enjoyed,
How sweet the memory still!
But they have left an aching void
The world can never fill.

The dearest idol I have known,
Whatever that idol be,
Help me to tear it from thy throne,
And worship only thee.

So shall my walk be close with God,
Serene and calm my frame;
So purer light shall mark the road
That leads me to the Lamb.

-William Cowper, Stuart Townend, & Keith Getty

events

2010-07-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

Been waiting on an important letter from Washington...

Aquarium of the Pacific, Long Beach

Music in the Zoo, Los Angeles Zoo

Click pictures for full resolution and sets @flickr

the kids aren't alright

2010-07-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

His parents loved to argue. Well, maybe they didn't love to, but they sure had gotten a lot of practice at it. He must have learned a lot about arguing from them. When he was little, he would join in, just so they wouldn't be alone in the company of yelling and tears. He would scream until his little voice went hoarse and cry until his little eyes refused to release tears. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. Sometimes they would stop fighting for a while and tell him that it wasn't his fault, that he was more important than whatever they were disagreeing upon. Sometimes they wouldn't. The two big voices and one little voice screaming in unison was quite a cacophony to behold. Once in a while, a smashed glass or a hole in the wall would bring a night's exertion to a close. He wondered what the neighbors thought, or if they cared at all. As he grew older, he learned to retreat when the voices rose, like his younger brother had always done. Sometimes, he thought that his brother learned things faster than him. Closed doors and television muffled most of the noise, but he would still cry to himself until silence blanketed the night. Stay together for the kids, they deserve a normal childhood.

It was different during college. Better, maybe. Being a little further away helped. His parents seemed to get along better. Maybe they had more space to figure things out. Teenagers around the house are stressful after all. Still, empty nest syndrome led to many phone calls and frequent weekend visits. Once every few months, though, he would open the door to a tension so thick that he could suffocate in it. They would pretend that everything was fine. They would go out to lunch and ask how classes were going, about dorm life. Smile, with honey in their voices. But their stiff interaction and dead eyes gave them away as plain as day. It wasn't fine. He wanted to scream. Sometimes he did. "Stop pretending!" It was worse than the yelling and crying. At least that stuff was real. Now they were just camouflaging their wounds with mud. Smile for the kids, they aren't home that much anymore.

He doesn't want to hide anymore. He never did. He still prefers to stand in the middle of the highway until traffic dies down or crushes him. On the worst days, he thinks he'd rather be crushed. At least he wouldn't have to worry about the tornado just around the bend, waiting to tear things apart. But anything is better than pretending. Pretending is building a castle in the sand. Pretending is putting on a thicker jacket and thinking you are bulletproof. No one wants to pretend, but dodging bullets is tiring. It's easier to close the door, turn on the television, and pretend that all is right with the world. He still curls up and cries silently to himself until silence blankets the night. Pull it together for the kids, you're the grown up now.

fireworks

2010-07-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

I just bought a pro account of flickr :)

Here's some stuff from the weekend. Never took fireworks shots before, but I think these turned out pretty well...kinda hard work though heh.

View the full set slideshow!